Meeting Other Guys Who Are In The Closet

Hey everyone

It's been aaages since I've posted but I've got some time now so let's get another one off the press! I'm going to try and do the blog more frequently now as I do love writing and find it quite therapeutic - also I like the feedback and people's comments on what I write, it can be interesting to share.

So I've met a few other closeted guys when out and about, some are very blatant and upfront about their situation, others are more suspect...here are a few of my experiences and thoughts:

Closet!

Married Guy

Once I met a guy in a bar and after he got me a drink he started talking about how he was down here for work for a bit and away from his wife - I knew that him owning up to it straight away pretty much meant he was looking for some fun, but I didn't want to waste his time so I guzzled the drink and got out of there! But funnily enough that's happened a couple times - I don't know why they would be so upfront about it after meeting me for 10 seconds, I guess its because they probably wont be around gay bars again anytime soon and want action (which no doubt they have starved themselves of for aaages) ASAP. He seemed like an average nice guy and I remeber thinking he looked a little nervous which was actually a bit cute, lol, mind you he was a little bit over my age range but I seem to attract all sorts and like variety so I won;t complain about getting the interest...although it was a slow night that night in the bar and he might have hit on anything with a pulse so I won't read too much into it just yet...


Six pack in the closet

I remember a time when  I met a guy who was closeted and we "hung out" for a little bit, I took his number and text him the next day but I never heard anything back - he was an awesome and really hot guy with a crazy fit body, but I realised he would never see me again as, looking back on it, I could tell he wouldn't want to allow someone to get that close to him who is a guy - It's a real shame as I suspect he wants to but can't because of where he is from and his situation (which, again, he spoke of quite candidly) - but instead of me realising he just wanted a brief thing I was taken in by the compliments and charm and niaively thought we might see each other again...silly me I guess. He was a little shorter than me, had some stubble and was Mediterranean I think - I hate it when guys want your number and then don't text you back! It was this meet which has made me a lot more careful about who I give it to.

Ye Olde Charmer

Another time was when I first hit this spot in London - this was during the very early days on me going to bars and think I'd only been to one or two before this occasion - but anyway I was there on my own and sat down with my drink next to some other guys. I think, if I remember correctly, that I saw a magazine open on the table and started to read it. One of the guys asked something about the magazine and we got talking. Turns out he lived abroad (not far at all though...) but worked even further away on another continent (I'm being so vague here but ya never know who's reading!!!). Anyhow, turns out he thought I was a rentboy, lol. I said I wasn't and he asked what I was doing in there by myself chatting to him then! I laughed and we just chatted a bit more. He said he was popping out to get some more cash (I guess because he didn't want to use his card in a gay venue) and I was comfy enough there and couldn;t be bothered to go anywhere else. He soon returned and asked about the rentboy thing again - I said no and I think he was testing the water to see if I would be interested but I would obviously never be - he soon realised and we just talked some more before I left - he said before I went that he didnt mean to offend and it was just that he's stopping over in london for a bit and wanted some action whilst he was here - he also fessed up to being married and my guess was that he had a couple kids aswell. Really nice guy and hope wherever he is he's doing OK.

gay love

The closet is not an easy place for anyone to be, and I don't think I'll be in it too much longer. I remember talking to one guy my age a year or two ago who said he would never date a closeted guy - he would have to come out or the guy wouldn't date him - when I first heard this I thought that was really harsh and thought the guy lacked empathy and understanding, but I think I've since realised that I might not date a closet case either once I'm out - because if I've taken the gamble and come out and have started to finally enjoy my life to the full, why would I want to start hiding part of it again - although I guess it would depend on the guy...

Nothing is ever black and white is it?!?!?!?!

Maybe one day things will be simple...but mind you simple is boooring ;-)

GayLadForLife

Gays & God - In 5 Minutes...

Hey everyone,

I thought I would write a little bit about gays and god ...or homosexuality and religion...however you want to put it! Gays and god makes a better title though right? Yeh knew you'd agree!

What do the monotheisms think of Gays?

Now I'm not anti-religion, and in fact I think there may be a God out there of some kind, but I prescribe more to the deist idea of God (ie that there was a prime mover who perhaps started everything but who doesn't intervene in the world) rather than the theist notion of God (who apparently intervenes in human affairs and cares about what we do and who we do it with).


Traditionally, the world's 3 major religions have always disliked gays. Orthodox Judaism still clings to the notion that it is wrong although Reformist Jews have come around a little, Christinaity seems to be a bit of a mixed bag these days with more denominations accepting it (although the biggest - Catholics - still aren't fans) and Islamic cultures, for the most part, unfortunately remain as contemptful as ever.





Any Chance?

  

I'm aware of metropolitan churches that pop up in urban cities across the West which cater for and accept the gay community - I'm not quite sure how they square this with those famous lines in Leviticus or the Sodon & Gomorrah story from the Old Testament or the Romans passage in the New Testament but if they are accepting and give people community and spirituality which they are after, then thats an improvement!

I still don't get how the bible/old testament tells you how to keep slaves when EVERYONE knows slavery is wrong, or how God can be described as a "jealous" God in the Old testament - what a petty human emotion for him - or how if almost everyone now accepts we evolved, then why is the dcotrine of original sin still relevant? adam never bit an apple so now what? Anyone?  

Are Gays less religious than straighties?

I done a quick Google search asking this and didn't find too much, but I think it could be true if you are talking about being religious in the traditional sense. In my experiences I have found more talk of 'spirituality' than of 'religion' in gay culture - which shouldn't really come as a big surprise owing to the hostility the religious among our society has directed towards gays.

I think everyone has a yearning, or a desire, that there be something beyond this world. If we really cease to exist what is the point of life? Are we owed an explanation? It feels like we are because we have cognition and love explanations - we even make bad ones up when we don't know the facts. We don't like knowing that one day we will die. I thought about this the other week but realised what is the alternative? To live forever? Not sure I would want that either...think about it...what would be the point of doing ANYTHING? We would be forever trapped and there would be no ultimate anything...not even death! And no mystery!



God (disclaimer - probably not God)

 

 

Aren't there bigger things to worry about than the gays?

If a God does exist, and lets just say for arguments sake that he doesn't like the gays, wouldn't there be other things on his mind? Like the rich ripping off the poor? Like global warming? Like serious criminals? Why is gay stuff so important in light of all of this - its really very trivial in my opinion and in past cultures it wasn't even a big deal (see ancient greece/romans). I just can't see how two adult men or women who like each other and want to enjoy each other's company socially and romantically is anything that bad - in the abstract its really not - hence why most opponents to gay things have a "moral" thing against it based on some weird superstition or cult (I used the word cult there in stead of religion - lol - much difference though???)



Greed - Gordon Gecko much? 



Contributions from Intellectuals

Gore Vidal:

"The great unmentionable evil at the center of our culture is monotheism. From a barbaric Bronze Age text known as the Old Testament, three anti-human religions have evolved — Judaism, Christianity, Islam. These are sky-god religions. They are, literally, patriarchal — God is the Omnipotent Father — hence the loathing of women for 2,000 years in those countries afflicted by the sky-god and his earthly male delegates. The sky-god is a jealous god, of course. He requires total obedience from everyone on earth, as he is in place not for just one tribe but for all creation. Those who would reject him must be converted or killed for their own good. Ultimately, totalitarianism is the only sort of politics that can truly serve the sky-god's purpose."

Now I don't know much about Gore, but I thought it was an interesting quote. The language is quite strong in that he calls it the "great unmentionable evil". Nice pic too - I like old fashioned pics like this one.



Bertrand Russell:

"And if there were a God, I think it very unlikely that he would have such an uneasy vanity as to be offended by those who doubt his existence"

I love Bertrand Russell - I don't know much about the guy but his accent is excellent and he seems quite witty and a little eccentric - good qualities which make for an interesting character. He was asked once what he would say if he died and came face to face with the Christian God and replied "Sir, you didn't give me enough evidence..." - gotta give the guy credit if he says that - or not if God's reading this....lol 



Christopher Hitchens:

"Religion comes from the period of human prehistory where nobody—not even the mighty Democritus who concluded that all matter was made from atoms—had the smallest idea what was going on. It comes from the bawling and fearful infancy of our species, and is a babyish attempt to meet our inescapable demand for knowledge (as well as for comfort, reassurance, and other infantile needs). Today the least educated of my children knows much more about the natural order than any of the founders of religion"



Hitchens was a great debater and you can see some of them on Youtube. He interestingly described himself as an anti-theist (that is - someone who dislikes a theist-type God, not just lacking belief in him) - in his mind religion represented the ulitmate totalitarianism and surrender of the mind. This guy was entertaining and a real character.

In Summary...

In my mind I just can't accept that a God would make people gay and then punish them for it. Any gay guy who has struggled with his sexuality knows that it is not a choice who you fancy and are attracted to - it is simply just attraction. So I'm not convinced that God would punish gays for it. I grew up somewhat religious like most people in England but not overtly so, and part of me still clings to it as childhood indoctrination is very powerful, and part of me wouldn't hate the idea that there is more to life than this world, but unfortunately there is no evidence for anything beyond this life - I guess folks we will just have to wait and see...any feedback or thoughts welcome though!

Was that 5 minutes? Let's say yes!

Thanks People!

GayLadForLife

;-)

Letter to a Homophobe

Hey Homophobe

I'm gay. I know you don't "approve" and think that what I am is wrong but I just wanted to let you know a little bit about me before you judged me further.

Firstly I didn't choose to be gay, contrary to what you may think. Infact I hated being gay for 10 years, so much so that I told no one, never discussed it, and never acted on it. I wasn't proud of what I was feeling and even prayed to be straight. I never wanted to fancy guys. It was not a choice. If sexuality is a choice then when did you choose to be straight? I know you're tempted to argue that "I never chose to be straight because its natural" - and that is exactly the point I'm making to you, I am naturally gay just as you are naturally straight. Homosexuality is found in nature too, just look it up. I am not something alien and I am not abnormal.

I think it was about age 12 that I realised I was gay. As so many gay guys articulate, I knew I was "different" and didn't like girls the way my friends did. I ofcourse wanted to be like everyone else and so internalised my thoughts and wished them away. Growing up whilst hiding a big part of you is quite hard. Whenever a friend asked if I fancied anyone, I lied. Whenever a group of mates were talking about girls, I immediately felt awkward. Whenever people made anti-gay comments, I felt like absolute crap. Whenever I saw a friend kiss his girlfriend, I knew I couldn't do that. Whenever I fancied a guy, I simply avoided him. I basically didn't do half the things I wanted to do because I hated who I was and what society thought of me. Growing up in the closet is incredibly lonely and isolating.

I'm almost in my mid 20s now and have never gone on a real date with someone I fancied. An embarassing fact that I doubt I will ever reveal to anyone. That experience which you took for granted when you were 15 or whatever I have never experienced. Consequently, I've not been in a relationship either - another experience I have never had. All of this because society still has prejudices against us gays and I feared people like you, as well as my family, would reject me and view me differently.

Do you have any idea how nervous I was on my first gay evening out? Firstly I was alone, as I don't have any gay mates. I actually got drunk in a straight pub before I even went to the gay one. I remember nervously sweating at the gay pub and needing to go to the toilet to chill out for a bit. I drunkenly looked in the mirror and told myself to pull it together, you were brave enough to come here alone and you're brave enough to stay. Funnily enough I had a good night that night, people came up to me ASSUMING I was gay - and they didn't care because they were gay too. I think once I left that pub things wouldn't be the same, I knew I could never get married and have kids the way I had wanted and my parents no doubt still want. 

Imagine for a minute that things were reversed - ie that the vast majority of people in the world are gay and there is a minority who are straight. Society expects you to be gay and the social system is structured around this. Even though straight people have been afforded a few rights lately, some parts of Western society still view you with suspicion and think that you partake in sexual deviancy with the opposite sex and you aren't safe to have around children. In some countries, particlarly African ones, there is still the death penalty for your heterosexuality. When some straights come out they are disowned by their families, just because they fancy someone of the opposite sex. If you do find someone you love, then too bad you can't get married because marriage is defined as "a man and a man" or "a woman and a woman". Homosexuality has been the dominant tradition of our culture and you're hetersexuality makes you a minority. Prominent religions teach God hates you and you are sinners who deserve to be burned forever. Even if you did get together with a partner, be very aware of who is around you when showing affection and be ready to defend yourself when people make a scene after you dare to kiss your girlfriend in public - you should at least have the decency to do that horrible stuff behind closed doors so us normal gays don't have to see it after all...

Can you please take 1 minute to really imagine that - not nice eh? Well that's what life is REALLY like for us...Would you stay in the closet and marry a gay? Or follow your heart and find a nice girlfriend (or boyfriend)?

Well homophobe, I'm all grown up now. You and your enablers have had a huge impact on my life and how I have felt about myself. In the past I've felt worthless, embarassed and depressed. But now I'm growing stronger. I realise that your hatred is bred out of ignorance and that's not meant as an insult. If you were to truly understand what I've been through and how hard it has been for me, I doubt you would hate me. As I reflect on who I've been, and who I want to be, there is still some way to go. But I think I can only move forward now. You've held me back for many many years, but not anymore. I've actually grown quite resilient from all of this, and sometimes feel like I can take on the world. However some days are still tough and I hope I can keep going as I know I have yet to face the biggest obstacles in this struggle.
I hope all of this has helped to inform you a little of what its like to grow up gay and be closeted in today's world. So next time you see something gay and feel the need to say something negative, just don't. Life is hard enough for each of us without us getting in each other's way.

I hope you don't hate me anymore, and that you find it in yourself not to judge others for things which are outside of their control.

We just want a chance to be happy like you.

Thanks

GayLadForLife

Gay Marriage or Marriage Equality?

Hey people!

There's been a lot in the news about "gay marriage" and I thought I would share a few of my thoughts on it.

Here in the UK "civil partnerships" were introduced not long ago to seek to address the unfairness in the legal system against us gays. It is true that civil partners have many of the same rights as married spouses, however the creation of a separate insitution for gays seemed to set them aside (as if we havn't been marginalised enough) from the rest of society - and I do believe the label of marriage is an important one. Some opponents say equality of substance is what matters and not the form it takes, but I'm not convinced.

Also, I do prefer people campaigning for "marriage equality" instead of "gay marriage" - the use of language is often underestimated and gay rights activists have done the right thing in changing the terminology of their cause from the latter to the former. "Gay marriage" alludes to a homosexual alignment to an institution made (apparently) for heterosexuals, whereas "marriage equality" pertains to a notion where marriage is an institution which should be open to all and not discriminate against those who happened to love members of their own sex. It is a fine distinction but I feel an important one.

(FYI - I love pictures of happy gay guys, it gives me hope that I will be one of them one day so thought I would share the one above!)



Furthermore I really don't get calls to put the issue up for a vote which has been the case in some places, since when should human RIGHTS be put to a vote? Rights exist to protect everyone and especially the minority against the majority - which is why it makes no sense to vote on them in my opinion.

Most of the arguments against gay marriage just don't make sense. I hear several ones over and over again:

1 - Allowing gay couples ot get married will devalue the institution
Hmmm, no not really. How so? How would me being married to another man change any heterosexual couple's marriage? It won't at all. Often people accompany this argument with "marriage is a union between a man and a woman" - this often is said by the far-right religious and religion is another matter all together lol - but basically civil law should not, and cannot, revolve around religious doctrines for obvious reasons.

2 - If that gets legalised, whatever next? polygamy? etc
Eh? Where did that come from? Not from any reasoned or rational place that's for sure...fyi people were saying the same thing when  interracial marriage was "contraversial" - grow up and form a proper argument

3 - There is no purpose for gays to get "married" - they can't procreate
So??? Just because in most marriages children are conceieved it does not make them necessary to make it valid...if it did then I guess we should be banning old people from getting married...and test the fertility of all straight couples before they sign the marriage certificate....

I don't know if I would ever get married to a guy, but I would like the option and I would like to know that gays are not discriminated against by not being part of such a mainstream institution. Here in the UK the conservatives (weirdly enough) have said that they wanted to introduce it but some bigots in the house of commons have sought to undermine this and slow down, or halt altogether, its progression. I'm happy to hear however that Scotland will be introducing it soon and that more and more US states are legalising it - although I think if we are talking of human rights that should really be done at federal level, not state level - but hey I guess its progress of a kind. There are also many campaigns out there right now which are going strong and which I hope will make a difference, bit by bit we can fight for equality and let society know that us gays are just like everyone else and just want to be happy and free to share our lives with the ones we love.

Thanks for reading, follow/subscribe if you like...be the first lol

GayLadForLife