Meeting Other Guys Who Are In The Closet

Hey everyone

It's been aaages since I've posted but I've got some time now so let's get another one off the press! I'm going to try and do the blog more frequently now as I do love writing and find it quite therapeutic - also I like the feedback and people's comments on what I write, it can be interesting to share.

So I've met a few other closeted guys when out and about, some are very blatant and upfront about their situation, others are more suspect...here are a few of my experiences and thoughts:

Closet!

Married Guy

Once I met a guy in a bar and after he got me a drink he started talking about how he was down here for work for a bit and away from his wife - I knew that him owning up to it straight away pretty much meant he was looking for some fun, but I didn't want to waste his time so I guzzled the drink and got out of there! But funnily enough that's happened a couple times - I don't know why they would be so upfront about it after meeting me for 10 seconds, I guess its because they probably wont be around gay bars again anytime soon and want action (which no doubt they have starved themselves of for aaages) ASAP. He seemed like an average nice guy and I remeber thinking he looked a little nervous which was actually a bit cute, lol, mind you he was a little bit over my age range but I seem to attract all sorts and like variety so I won;t complain about getting the interest...although it was a slow night that night in the bar and he might have hit on anything with a pulse so I won't read too much into it just yet...


Six pack in the closet

I remember a time when  I met a guy who was closeted and we "hung out" for a little bit, I took his number and text him the next day but I never heard anything back - he was an awesome and really hot guy with a crazy fit body, but I realised he would never see me again as, looking back on it, I could tell he wouldn't want to allow someone to get that close to him who is a guy - It's a real shame as I suspect he wants to but can't because of where he is from and his situation (which, again, he spoke of quite candidly) - but instead of me realising he just wanted a brief thing I was taken in by the compliments and charm and niaively thought we might see each other again...silly me I guess. He was a little shorter than me, had some stubble and was Mediterranean I think - I hate it when guys want your number and then don't text you back! It was this meet which has made me a lot more careful about who I give it to.

Ye Olde Charmer

Another time was when I first hit this spot in London - this was during the very early days on me going to bars and think I'd only been to one or two before this occasion - but anyway I was there on my own and sat down with my drink next to some other guys. I think, if I remember correctly, that I saw a magazine open on the table and started to read it. One of the guys asked something about the magazine and we got talking. Turns out he lived abroad (not far at all though...) but worked even further away on another continent (I'm being so vague here but ya never know who's reading!!!). Anyhow, turns out he thought I was a rentboy, lol. I said I wasn't and he asked what I was doing in there by myself chatting to him then! I laughed and we just chatted a bit more. He said he was popping out to get some more cash (I guess because he didn't want to use his card in a gay venue) and I was comfy enough there and couldn;t be bothered to go anywhere else. He soon returned and asked about the rentboy thing again - I said no and I think he was testing the water to see if I would be interested but I would obviously never be - he soon realised and we just talked some more before I left - he said before I went that he didnt mean to offend and it was just that he's stopping over in london for a bit and wanted some action whilst he was here - he also fessed up to being married and my guess was that he had a couple kids aswell. Really nice guy and hope wherever he is he's doing OK.

gay love

The closet is not an easy place for anyone to be, and I don't think I'll be in it too much longer. I remember talking to one guy my age a year or two ago who said he would never date a closeted guy - he would have to come out or the guy wouldn't date him - when I first heard this I thought that was really harsh and thought the guy lacked empathy and understanding, but I think I've since realised that I might not date a closet case either once I'm out - because if I've taken the gamble and come out and have started to finally enjoy my life to the full, why would I want to start hiding part of it again - although I guess it would depend on the guy...

Nothing is ever black and white is it?!?!?!?!

Maybe one day things will be simple...but mind you simple is boooring ;-)

GayLadForLife

Does Gay Love Really Exist?

Hey all

Time for my posts to get a little deeper - I thought I would tackle love! Does 'gay love' really exist in the world? A common stereotype for gay people is that they don't have meaningful long lasting relationships - is it really easier for a heterosexual couple to fall in love than a homosexual one?

Well, first thing's first, I've never been in love and to be honest I doubt I will be anytime soon. The thought of it is exciting though. I've definitely really fancied some guys but I don't think I've seen enough of any one guy in order for me to develop stronger feelings for them - a problem of still not being out and not willing to consistently put myself out there. However, I've seen gay couples when out and about and I always think its really sweet when they show affection for one another. I remember once seeing a guy greet his boyfriend on the platform at Brighton station - when his boyfriend got off the train and walked up to him he genlty placed his hand at the bottom of his boyfriend's back and held it there for a little while (long enough to let me know they were gay!) and ushered him along whilst cheerfully walking away. They were quite masculine guys and I don't know if they usually limit their displays of affection in public but I remember thinking what a subtle way to discreetly care for his partner when they both know they might have been stared at if they were to properly embrace.

There are many stereotypes which people recklessly apply to a gay adult man but one that I find particularly offensive is the one that he is cruisey and would rather sleep around town than have a real monogomous relationship. I don't know how this steroetype was formed - probably to demonise gays in past decades and associate them with promiscuous activity. I can say however that I have met gays that are this way, but also many that aren't and are repelled at the thought of having one night stands.

 

How do we define 'love'? An Oxford web definition states that it is 'a strong feeling of affection'. That definition seems a bit lacklustre to me... I don't know about you but when I think of love I think of my mood being lifted at the thought of seeing someone, not wanting a night to end when we're together or just remeniscing over past experiences together - but hey that's all a bit academic at the moment. I guess I'm a bit of an old romantic! Who knew...

Is it true that there is less pressure for gays to stay together than straights? More often than not they don't have to "stay together for the kids" and because society still doesn't really expect them to achieve any significant length in their commitments to each other there is less pressure for them to continue with one another if they feel they are not suited anymore. But I don't think I would go as far to say that they haven't got as much to lose, life isn't always measured in offspring and joint mortgages!

How does the media depict gay love? Unfortunately gay relationships and love scenes in tv shows and movies are still deemed somewhat contraversial. God knows why. They are as natural as heterosexual ones. I remember when a gay storyline in Eastenders (a UK soap) between Christian and Syed featured a scene where they were both lying in the same bed. Some people complained apparently. No doubt these are the same people who cry that they are "protecting the children" and "not homophobes". Homophobes take many forms, the obvious one is the thug in the street but a more subtle one is the person who fires off an email to the BBC for a simple gay scene in a soap.

If I ever fall in love I hope it will be like how it is in the movies, but unforunately I'm all too aware that life is more complex and things rarely follow the light hearted comedic plots of rom-coms. To be able to feel so much for another man would be pretty great, and whenever I hear about gay guys getting married or having been together for X many years I always secretly cheer them on and hope the best for them...to do so explicity amongst some people I know may cause an argument...but that argument is one which I'm thinking I want to have soon, as some people just need to wake up and smell the croissants! lol OK I promise to never say that again...anyway

So, returning to the question, the answer is...NO. There is no such thing as "gay love", it doesn't exist I'm afraid - just as "straight love" doesn't exist. There is only "love". The answer was obvious from the outset, but through the convolusions of this post I had to explore a little more widely. I guess it sounds cheesy to say it doesn't matter whether the love is between a man and a woman or two men (or two women) but its true. If two people love each other then I think that's pretty awesome and life is too short to worry about the bigotry of others. More and more I'm realising that you've got to fight for what you want in this world because some people somewhere are constantly trying to screw you over and trying to get theirs and so you've got to get yours!
 

So here's to all the lovers out there! Have a drink on me!

GayLadForLife   ;-)

Is The Gay Scene Superficial?

Hey guys n gals!

I thought I would write a little about how I pereceive the gay scene in London/Brighton and whether it really is as superficial as it seems.

Parts of the gay scene are definitely extremely superficial - and these are the parts that the gay world is known for as it is the most full on and in your face. Many bars are decorated with pictures of hunky shirtless guys looking at you with one eyebrow raised and have muscle dudes beehind the bar waiting to take your order - it all looks very nice and makes everyone a lil horny no doubt. But I wonder what the cost of this is - I remember reading a study done on the mental health of gay men and how some tend to have more anxiety/body dysmorphic disorders - I think this may result from the pressure to look like all the gay guys we see in magazines - regular guys with a bit of a belly and who are balding a bit can still be sexy I think - I find it is more about a guy's attitude quite often than just what they look like - I would much rather spend time with a funny and/or interesting guy than a hot muscle dude who has nothing to say and is checking everyone out all the time.

I've also found it weird how the gay community treats porn stars. Straight porn stars don't go to a big straight nightclub and try and DJ whilst signing stuff for "fans", but gay ones seem to all the time! They are basically worshipped for what they look like and what they can do with their dicks.

When I heard about Erik Rhodes - the gay pornstar who died of heart failure after using drink and drugs to dangerous levels - it made me really sad. Apparently he had had a blog on tumblr or something and it was called "my relationship with misery", this man who had everything most gay guys want - good looks, a big member and lots of money - still longed for something more in his life. I wonder how many times he thought about all of this stuff to himself and how he so wanted to be happy - probably too many for most to handle - he seemed like a really nice guy.

When I first went out on the scene by myself it was quite full on. There were transvestities walking around entertaining people and very flamboyant characters were everywhere. It seemed the gay-ness was very in your face and non-stop - I guess that's to be expected in some of these places looking back - I know now the huge variety there is on the gay scene but back then those first few bars I went to were all about the superficial. Indeed, seeing the poles on the dancefloor in one club made me laugh, I thought oh god these guys don't hold back do they! Also, something else I learned very quickly - it is way more fun if you go out with friends - although this is hard for someone closeted like me - it really can make the difference on a night out and the time I have been in a group are the times when I've met more people and been more relaxed.

Leaving bars to one side, I have also been to some really nice and relaxed gay pubs, which I guess are technically part of the scene still but you tend to find older guys there and not loads of young camp guys - I think after my brief time on the scene I'm starting to gravitate more towards pubs than clubs and bars - I like being able to talk to a guy and thumping music can make that very hard at times! That's not to say I won't be going to bars and clubs in the future - I do like to dance and they can be really fun - but I think that when I'm in my 30s you will have better luck seeing me playing darts in a pub then downing shots off a bar.

The attitude some gays have at these places is horrible - when they pick people apart for not looking a certain way, whenever I have been with someone who starts mocking a chubby guy in the room, or whispering about "the ugly guy over there" I'm immediately turned off by them - growing up I knew some people that struggled with how they look and taking the mick out of someone for something they can't control is so sad - I think I'm an average looking guy and get enough attention to be happy but just don't get why some guys feel the need to do that. Luckily enough, I think I can suss these guys out quite quick and so tend not to involve myself with them - life is too short.

So, do I think the gay scene is superficial? Yes, definitely! But that's not all it is. It's true that having half naked handsome guys everywhere gets us interested because it appeals to our animal instincts of attraction and lust, but behind every muscled up shirtless guy in a club is someone just like you and me - who no doubt has all the insecurities of everyone else and is fearful of the things we all fear - growing old alone, not finding true love, and not being accepted.

I know that was a bit of a random and disjointed piece (I am improving slowly! trust me!), but what do you think?

GayLadForLife