When I Phoned an LGBT Switchboard

 

Hey all,

I was wondering whether or not to write this post, as the phone call got quite personal and we talked a lot about various things including personal fears - but I've decided to do it anyway. To be honest I actually don't remember a lot of it but I do recall enough to write a post I think - guess we will soon find out!

A good few months ago (maybe even last year) I was feeling a bit down, well more than a bit down really and I remember coming across an LGBT Switchboard advert somewhere - so I thought I would call them. Their website said they wouldn't judge and you could talk about any gay issues with them etc so I thought let's give that a go. I was still quite nervous when calling but figured the call taker doesn't know me so who cares what I reveal and I can just keep it light anyway...

I called the number I got off their website and this soft-spoken guy answered. There was a bit of a pause after we both said "Hi" as I didnt know how to start.....anyhow I stayed on the line and we started talking about my situation and what I'd been up to. Understandably he was asking a lot of questions about me such as was I out to anyone/have I been on the gay scene/did I know about safe sex etc and I was actually quite enjoying the simple chat, we were just shooting the breeze really and he knew the places I spoke about and could personally relate to what I was going through so it was quite cool.

Things did start to get a little more heavy after 10/15 minutes however - Questions about how I was feeling, what was holding me back from going forward and who were the people around me were being asked. I answered truthfully, and basically said I was feeling alone, I knew it was me holding me back and unfortunately I don't feel like I can talk to family or friends about this.

I also remember saying something which made him get slightly choked up I think. We were walking about my fear of growing old gay and I said something like "I just don't want to end up having an empty life and being alone forever" - He sounded a bit upset after I said this, I think he could tell that it was also making me upset and sympathised as maybe it echoed how he felt at a certain time, and he responded by saying something like "Oh I'm sure that won't happen you seem like a great guy". I honestly did not expect to start crying after that disclosure - I never cry - I know its not a sign of weakness but I still don't like to do it. Anyhow it was a sort of cry where there were tears but I could still clearly talk (lol) so fortunately not the complete sobbing kind. I think it happened because I'd finally expressed what was holding me back and it was a relief - I'm still not sure exactly what it was to be honest, but the release felt good I guess.



I think he told me a little about his story which was nice of him. He said how he came out and who helped him etc. He also recommended I try to socialise away from the gay scene which I knew I should try and do really.

He also gave me some advice, but I discovered that I already knew which things may help but I just am not ready for them. I think I just wanted to chat to someone about being gay. It seems that I'm going to take myself to the edge before I finally start coming out and meeting gay lads who can become friends. Anyway at the end of the call I did feel better and wouldn't really hesitate in doing it again if I feel the need. I'm glad it exists that's for sure.

Thanks

GayLadForLife

Letter to a Homophobe

Hey Homophobe

I'm gay. I know you don't "approve" and think that what I am is wrong but I just wanted to let you know a little bit about me before you judged me further.

Firstly I didn't choose to be gay, contrary to what you may think. Infact I hated being gay for 10 years, so much so that I told no one, never discussed it, and never acted on it. I wasn't proud of what I was feeling and even prayed to be straight. I never wanted to fancy guys. It was not a choice. If sexuality is a choice then when did you choose to be straight? I know you're tempted to argue that "I never chose to be straight because its natural" - and that is exactly the point I'm making to you, I am naturally gay just as you are naturally straight. Homosexuality is found in nature too, just look it up. I am not something alien and I am not abnormal.

I think it was about age 12 that I realised I was gay. As so many gay guys articulate, I knew I was "different" and didn't like girls the way my friends did. I ofcourse wanted to be like everyone else and so internalised my thoughts and wished them away. Growing up whilst hiding a big part of you is quite hard. Whenever a friend asked if I fancied anyone, I lied. Whenever a group of mates were talking about girls, I immediately felt awkward. Whenever people made anti-gay comments, I felt like absolute crap. Whenever I saw a friend kiss his girlfriend, I knew I couldn't do that. Whenever I fancied a guy, I simply avoided him. I basically didn't do half the things I wanted to do because I hated who I was and what society thought of me. Growing up in the closet is incredibly lonely and isolating.

I'm almost in my mid 20s now and have never gone on a real date with someone I fancied. An embarassing fact that I doubt I will ever reveal to anyone. That experience which you took for granted when you were 15 or whatever I have never experienced. Consequently, I've not been in a relationship either - another experience I have never had. All of this because society still has prejudices against us gays and I feared people like you, as well as my family, would reject me and view me differently.

Do you have any idea how nervous I was on my first gay evening out? Firstly I was alone, as I don't have any gay mates. I actually got drunk in a straight pub before I even went to the gay one. I remember nervously sweating at the gay pub and needing to go to the toilet to chill out for a bit. I drunkenly looked in the mirror and told myself to pull it together, you were brave enough to come here alone and you're brave enough to stay. Funnily enough I had a good night that night, people came up to me ASSUMING I was gay - and they didn't care because they were gay too. I think once I left that pub things wouldn't be the same, I knew I could never get married and have kids the way I had wanted and my parents no doubt still want. 

Imagine for a minute that things were reversed - ie that the vast majority of people in the world are gay and there is a minority who are straight. Society expects you to be gay and the social system is structured around this. Even though straight people have been afforded a few rights lately, some parts of Western society still view you with suspicion and think that you partake in sexual deviancy with the opposite sex and you aren't safe to have around children. In some countries, particlarly African ones, there is still the death penalty for your heterosexuality. When some straights come out they are disowned by their families, just because they fancy someone of the opposite sex. If you do find someone you love, then too bad you can't get married because marriage is defined as "a man and a man" or "a woman and a woman". Homosexuality has been the dominant tradition of our culture and you're hetersexuality makes you a minority. Prominent religions teach God hates you and you are sinners who deserve to be burned forever. Even if you did get together with a partner, be very aware of who is around you when showing affection and be ready to defend yourself when people make a scene after you dare to kiss your girlfriend in public - you should at least have the decency to do that horrible stuff behind closed doors so us normal gays don't have to see it after all...

Can you please take 1 minute to really imagine that - not nice eh? Well that's what life is REALLY like for us...Would you stay in the closet and marry a gay? Or follow your heart and find a nice girlfriend (or boyfriend)?

Well homophobe, I'm all grown up now. You and your enablers have had a huge impact on my life and how I have felt about myself. In the past I've felt worthless, embarassed and depressed. But now I'm growing stronger. I realise that your hatred is bred out of ignorance and that's not meant as an insult. If you were to truly understand what I've been through and how hard it has been for me, I doubt you would hate me. As I reflect on who I've been, and who I want to be, there is still some way to go. But I think I can only move forward now. You've held me back for many many years, but not anymore. I've actually grown quite resilient from all of this, and sometimes feel like I can take on the world. However some days are still tough and I hope I can keep going as I know I have yet to face the biggest obstacles in this struggle.
I hope all of this has helped to inform you a little of what its like to grow up gay and be closeted in today's world. So next time you see something gay and feel the need to say something negative, just don't. Life is hard enough for each of us without us getting in each other's way.

I hope you don't hate me anymore, and that you find it in yourself not to judge others for things which are outside of their control.

We just want a chance to be happy like you.

Thanks

GayLadForLife

Girls Girls Girls!

Hey all

Here are a few mighty fine girls that I have a bit of a crush on, despite being gay - well looking at these girls maybe I'm 1% straight or something! They are HOT.

Cassie

Jourdan Dunn

Naomi Capbell



Cheryl Cole

Emily Blunt

That's all folks!

Bye!

Does Gay Love Really Exist?

Hey all

Time for my posts to get a little deeper - I thought I would tackle love! Does 'gay love' really exist in the world? A common stereotype for gay people is that they don't have meaningful long lasting relationships - is it really easier for a heterosexual couple to fall in love than a homosexual one?

Well, first thing's first, I've never been in love and to be honest I doubt I will be anytime soon. The thought of it is exciting though. I've definitely really fancied some guys but I don't think I've seen enough of any one guy in order for me to develop stronger feelings for them - a problem of still not being out and not willing to consistently put myself out there. However, I've seen gay couples when out and about and I always think its really sweet when they show affection for one another. I remember once seeing a guy greet his boyfriend on the platform at Brighton station - when his boyfriend got off the train and walked up to him he genlty placed his hand at the bottom of his boyfriend's back and held it there for a little while (long enough to let me know they were gay!) and ushered him along whilst cheerfully walking away. They were quite masculine guys and I don't know if they usually limit their displays of affection in public but I remember thinking what a subtle way to discreetly care for his partner when they both know they might have been stared at if they were to properly embrace.

There are many stereotypes which people recklessly apply to a gay adult man but one that I find particularly offensive is the one that he is cruisey and would rather sleep around town than have a real monogomous relationship. I don't know how this steroetype was formed - probably to demonise gays in past decades and associate them with promiscuous activity. I can say however that I have met gays that are this way, but also many that aren't and are repelled at the thought of having one night stands.

 

How do we define 'love'? An Oxford web definition states that it is 'a strong feeling of affection'. That definition seems a bit lacklustre to me... I don't know about you but when I think of love I think of my mood being lifted at the thought of seeing someone, not wanting a night to end when we're together or just remeniscing over past experiences together - but hey that's all a bit academic at the moment. I guess I'm a bit of an old romantic! Who knew...

Is it true that there is less pressure for gays to stay together than straights? More often than not they don't have to "stay together for the kids" and because society still doesn't really expect them to achieve any significant length in their commitments to each other there is less pressure for them to continue with one another if they feel they are not suited anymore. But I don't think I would go as far to say that they haven't got as much to lose, life isn't always measured in offspring and joint mortgages!

How does the media depict gay love? Unfortunately gay relationships and love scenes in tv shows and movies are still deemed somewhat contraversial. God knows why. They are as natural as heterosexual ones. I remember when a gay storyline in Eastenders (a UK soap) between Christian and Syed featured a scene where they were both lying in the same bed. Some people complained apparently. No doubt these are the same people who cry that they are "protecting the children" and "not homophobes". Homophobes take many forms, the obvious one is the thug in the street but a more subtle one is the person who fires off an email to the BBC for a simple gay scene in a soap.

If I ever fall in love I hope it will be like how it is in the movies, but unforunately I'm all too aware that life is more complex and things rarely follow the light hearted comedic plots of rom-coms. To be able to feel so much for another man would be pretty great, and whenever I hear about gay guys getting married or having been together for X many years I always secretly cheer them on and hope the best for them...to do so explicity amongst some people I know may cause an argument...but that argument is one which I'm thinking I want to have soon, as some people just need to wake up and smell the croissants! lol OK I promise to never say that again...anyway

So, returning to the question, the answer is...NO. There is no such thing as "gay love", it doesn't exist I'm afraid - just as "straight love" doesn't exist. There is only "love". The answer was obvious from the outset, but through the convolusions of this post I had to explore a little more widely. I guess it sounds cheesy to say it doesn't matter whether the love is between a man and a woman or two men (or two women) but its true. If two people love each other then I think that's pretty awesome and life is too short to worry about the bigotry of others. More and more I'm realising that you've got to fight for what you want in this world because some people somewhere are constantly trying to screw you over and trying to get theirs and so you've got to get yours!
 

So here's to all the lovers out there! Have a drink on me!

GayLadForLife   ;-)

My Gay Shadow

My Gay Shadow

In the corner down low, the shadow sits

Waiting for God, waiting for this

Looks from afar but won’t enter the light

It hates being seen, it feels it’s not right

Separate from you, separate from me

It told me once it just wants to be free

But behind the person, that’s where it stays

Forever or not, out of the way

Closet Commentary - Making Gay Friends + Update

Hey People

Thought I would write a little about trying to make gay friends whilst in the closet.

Well...its been harder than I thought, and I haven't really made any but some of that is down to me as well as just bad luck. When I have gone out on the town I have used a fake name (random I know...I just blurted it out one time and since its kind of stuck...) and although I give out my number quite freely when people ask, it hasn't really resulted in much. Part of me wants to make gay friends...after all I could go out with them to all these gay places and finally discuss fancying guys with other guys! But part of me thinks if I start doing it too much and start staying in real contact with these guys then the whole coming out of the closet thing will have to be had - sometimes I think I'm really dragging this out, but I know I'm not fully comfortable with it yet and until I am and am ready to defend who I am I can't do it - I need to be able to counter the resistance and hold my own without depending on anyone else for that to happen.

(How nights usually start...)

There have been a few times when I was out and about and had the chance to make some friends that seemed like decent guys. Once when in Soho this guy wanted me to go with him and his mates to Vauxhall, I said no and held back because it was early days and didn't know where they would go/what they would do/what time we would finish/how I would get back - that has bugged me because the guy that asked me seemed really cool and I felt bad saying no for no apparent reason.

Secondly there was this one guy who I met in a bar - normal guy with a geeky edge and he pulled it off really well, lol, quite quick witted and glasses with a bit of hair styling, not what I usually go for but I'm not for sticking to rigid 'rules' anyway - we went to a couple bars and changed numbers but he had work the next day and so left - we texted for a good few weeks later and he tried to get me to come up again but the weather messed up the trains and I think he wanted to be more than friends but I didn't - I just wanted to be mates.

There was another time where I was aproached by this really nice guy in a bar, and we chatted for a little bit but because I felt no chemistry I left - it was only after I left that I thought why did I do that its not like I'm looking for Mr Right and he could have been a good mate - ah well that's the kind of random thinking when you've had a few!

UPDATE - I went out last nigt actually, in Soho again and have decided I am not going out by myself EVER again to these places. I was just drinking by myself and not really doing anything except playing on my phone to avoid looking like a billy-no-mates (thats an english phrase for my international "fans" lol), definitely not fun! I actually got a bit upset on the way back too but I feel better knowing that I'm not going to put myself through that again - I think I'm done with gay bars - they are not good places to meet people as its loud, people go there with mates and not to make them necessarily and the combo of closeted me with alcohol is not a formula for success...

(Where I went last night and had one of the worst evenings of my life)

Also last night these girls came into this gay-bar, they were mid 30s with kids and single and preferred the gay bars to party than the straight bars because 'they didn't get hit on by pervs' etc - Although they were quite nice (note - one was bordering on crazy though when she got her bits out)  they kept trying to talk to me about how I came out and I kept thinking "oh god why are we talking about this - I'm telling them this story but its not true as I don't want them to make a fuss infront of everyone!" - I crept out of there anyway and thought screw this I don't need all this crap. Gay me can take a back seat now as I'm done dealing with this s**t! - I'm not sure if I can box it away that easily though - but one thing is for sure I am never going out in Soho by myself again, especially not in a closet frame of mind. 

I'm not sure where this leaves this blog now actually - I started thinking this would document my new gay experiences etc but I think I'm considering just staying in the closet and focussing on other things now - I'm not going to worry about guys or meeting gays - I've spent too long on that and haven't gotten anywhere due to my own hesitation and I almost feel worse than before! I knew this would be hard but ffs! lol

So this may be my last post of this short-lived blog - will have to wait and see...hope anyone else in my position is having better luck

GayLadForLife