Fellow Blog Readers

Hey Readers

I just wanted to thank some of my readers out there who check out this blog every so often, and even those who contact me with messages of support.

It really does mean a lot to me and I know I'm not the only one out there who is dealing with this stuff so I am always very flattered when people take time out of their day to see what I've been up to and send me a message.




Thank you





I'm always amazed at where some of my blog readers are reading from too, its touching to see that you guys are from every corner of the globe!

Its a sunday here in London and I'm looking to tie a whole load of loose ends before the working week begins again.

Hope everyone out there is doing good and will write another blog post very soon. What's everyone else been up to??? Let me know.

GayLadForLife

Coooooool guy at work

Hey everyone

So I'm going to dive straight into it as time seems precious these days...

There is this guy at work and I fancy him...a lot! The thing is, he's older than me and is straight I think so there is little chance of anything ever happening - but seriously he is crazy hot! Usually I can find a guy good looking but not fancy them as such until I know them a little, but this guy is just beyond that lol

He has quite a buff body so I think he must go to the gym but always dresses quite smart casual and seems real friendly - I'm a little annoyed I have no reason to talk to him as his work is absolutely nothing to do with mine but when the opportunity presents itself I'm going for it!

I'd rather have a drink down the pub than an office flirt, but hey either or both will do!


It will probably reveal how he is married etc but oh well I can dream! lol

Whenever I walk past his desk where that team is I always sneak a glance that way to see if he's there, I swear all the women at work must fancy him too - he has a calming and cool air also, just seems quite collected and happy and content - ie not miserable and obviously hating his job.

At my last work there was a guy who I found crazy hot too (again...older than me...I think I see a trend here...) but I'm afriad this new guy would win if they were to ever have a hot off, or old hot vs new hot lol

A random (and short) post but thought I would share some daydreaming thoughts with you all...

Anyone else have a nice distraction at work who you sneak a glance at every now and then?


GayLadForLife ;-)

Meeting Good Gays Seems So Hard...

Hey everyone,

So it seems I've settled now in London, I'm really liking my new place and the variety that London brings to life. In fact it has been very tiring at times as I've been constantly meeting friends or going out exploring or going out exercising etc - its great but can tire you out so have also had to take a day or two breathers and just vegetate on my bed and watch movies online.

I have been out and about in Gay London a couple of times but it seems so hard to meet good gays - and by that I mean gays who aren't scene queens or just after the old hanky panky, Over the last year I have met a few gooduns but through circumstance each time I haven't been able to hold onto them.

Sometimes I often feel like the gay world isn't for me - when I go to some of these bars I feel a bit alien in that if it wasn't for me being gay I wouldn't be there, they are loud, some very camp, with expensive (rip off) drinks and guys looking you up and down every time you walk past. I only go to chat to gay guys and hopefully find some cool guys I would want to hang out with but that doesn't seem to happen very often. But when it has happened I had some really nice times - totally worth all the downers it took to get there! Imagine if I could feel like this most of the time with a good gay and supportive network? Would be awesome!




OK if I saw this guy out and about I would definitely ask him out...after having a few shots!


I went to a gay club the other day (I hardly ever go to these - ever) and it was...well...horrible. I went with a couple others and it was very cliquey, there was attitude seeping out of the walls, druggies dotted around the place and it just wasn't a relaxed atmosphere - felt a bit tense to me. Won't be going back there again.....

London has so much to offer, and I'm trying to take full advantage of being here, but its hard as I think I have too fixed an idea of what I'm looking for - perhaps I just need to chill the fuck out and get over all this gay stuff, but its a big part of me and something I want to explore further so I guess that isn't an option - not completely anyway - and tbh I've been trying to close off the gay part of me for years and needless to say it doesn't work!

I could join some gay social groups in London but they make me cringe a little due to them being all "im gay and here to meet other gays because im gay so lets be gay together" it just feels ... too ... gay? I know that doesn't sound very politically correct and I acknowledge its nonsense but I guess I'm just trying to live the gay life on the DL and have it a la carte - ok that was a very gay thing to say so I'm going to wrap this up before I divulge how I recently couldn't help but click on a kim kardashian link on google - I swear I'm not that camp or anything but she makes hilarious tv lol

Cheers fellaz - and if anyone has any suggestions about where to meet nice genuine fellas in London let me know! I'm serious!

GayLadForLife ;-)

Gays & God - In 5 Minutes...

Hey everyone,

I thought I would write a little bit about gays and god ...or homosexuality and religion...however you want to put it! Gays and god makes a better title though right? Yeh knew you'd agree!

What do the monotheisms think of Gays?

Now I'm not anti-religion, and in fact I think there may be a God out there of some kind, but I prescribe more to the deist idea of God (ie that there was a prime mover who perhaps started everything but who doesn't intervene in the world) rather than the theist notion of God (who apparently intervenes in human affairs and cares about what we do and who we do it with).


Traditionally, the world's 3 major religions have always disliked gays. Orthodox Judaism still clings to the notion that it is wrong although Reformist Jews have come around a little, Christinaity seems to be a bit of a mixed bag these days with more denominations accepting it (although the biggest - Catholics - still aren't fans) and Islamic cultures, for the most part, unfortunately remain as contemptful as ever.





Any Chance?

  

I'm aware of metropolitan churches that pop up in urban cities across the West which cater for and accept the gay community - I'm not quite sure how they square this with those famous lines in Leviticus or the Sodon & Gomorrah story from the Old Testament or the Romans passage in the New Testament but if they are accepting and give people community and spirituality which they are after, then thats an improvement!

I still don't get how the bible/old testament tells you how to keep slaves when EVERYONE knows slavery is wrong, or how God can be described as a "jealous" God in the Old testament - what a petty human emotion for him - or how if almost everyone now accepts we evolved, then why is the dcotrine of original sin still relevant? adam never bit an apple so now what? Anyone?  

Are Gays less religious than straighties?

I done a quick Google search asking this and didn't find too much, but I think it could be true if you are talking about being religious in the traditional sense. In my experiences I have found more talk of 'spirituality' than of 'religion' in gay culture - which shouldn't really come as a big surprise owing to the hostility the religious among our society has directed towards gays.

I think everyone has a yearning, or a desire, that there be something beyond this world. If we really cease to exist what is the point of life? Are we owed an explanation? It feels like we are because we have cognition and love explanations - we even make bad ones up when we don't know the facts. We don't like knowing that one day we will die. I thought about this the other week but realised what is the alternative? To live forever? Not sure I would want that either...think about it...what would be the point of doing ANYTHING? We would be forever trapped and there would be no ultimate anything...not even death! And no mystery!



God (disclaimer - probably not God)

 

 

Aren't there bigger things to worry about than the gays?

If a God does exist, and lets just say for arguments sake that he doesn't like the gays, wouldn't there be other things on his mind? Like the rich ripping off the poor? Like global warming? Like serious criminals? Why is gay stuff so important in light of all of this - its really very trivial in my opinion and in past cultures it wasn't even a big deal (see ancient greece/romans). I just can't see how two adult men or women who like each other and want to enjoy each other's company socially and romantically is anything that bad - in the abstract its really not - hence why most opponents to gay things have a "moral" thing against it based on some weird superstition or cult (I used the word cult there in stead of religion - lol - much difference though???)



Greed - Gordon Gecko much? 



Contributions from Intellectuals

Gore Vidal:

"The great unmentionable evil at the center of our culture is monotheism. From a barbaric Bronze Age text known as the Old Testament, three anti-human religions have evolved — Judaism, Christianity, Islam. These are sky-god religions. They are, literally, patriarchal — God is the Omnipotent Father — hence the loathing of women for 2,000 years in those countries afflicted by the sky-god and his earthly male delegates. The sky-god is a jealous god, of course. He requires total obedience from everyone on earth, as he is in place not for just one tribe but for all creation. Those who would reject him must be converted or killed for their own good. Ultimately, totalitarianism is the only sort of politics that can truly serve the sky-god's purpose."

Now I don't know much about Gore, but I thought it was an interesting quote. The language is quite strong in that he calls it the "great unmentionable evil". Nice pic too - I like old fashioned pics like this one.



Bertrand Russell:

"And if there were a God, I think it very unlikely that he would have such an uneasy vanity as to be offended by those who doubt his existence"

I love Bertrand Russell - I don't know much about the guy but his accent is excellent and he seems quite witty and a little eccentric - good qualities which make for an interesting character. He was asked once what he would say if he died and came face to face with the Christian God and replied "Sir, you didn't give me enough evidence..." - gotta give the guy credit if he says that - or not if God's reading this....lol 



Christopher Hitchens:

"Religion comes from the period of human prehistory where nobody—not even the mighty Democritus who concluded that all matter was made from atoms—had the smallest idea what was going on. It comes from the bawling and fearful infancy of our species, and is a babyish attempt to meet our inescapable demand for knowledge (as well as for comfort, reassurance, and other infantile needs). Today the least educated of my children knows much more about the natural order than any of the founders of religion"



Hitchens was a great debater and you can see some of them on Youtube. He interestingly described himself as an anti-theist (that is - someone who dislikes a theist-type God, not just lacking belief in him) - in his mind religion represented the ulitmate totalitarianism and surrender of the mind. This guy was entertaining and a real character.

In Summary...

In my mind I just can't accept that a God would make people gay and then punish them for it. Any gay guy who has struggled with his sexuality knows that it is not a choice who you fancy and are attracted to - it is simply just attraction. So I'm not convinced that God would punish gays for it. I grew up somewhat religious like most people in England but not overtly so, and part of me still clings to it as childhood indoctrination is very powerful, and part of me wouldn't hate the idea that there is more to life than this world, but unfortunately there is no evidence for anything beyond this life - I guess folks we will just have to wait and see...any feedback or thoughts welcome though!

Was that 5 minutes? Let's say yes!

Thanks People!

GayLadForLife

;-)

Revealing myself to an astute stranger...

Hey everyone,

Recently I've had one of the most honest conversations of my life...

This guy approached me in a bar in London when I was sitting by myself, and we started talking and hit it off quite well. He was visiting the city and was having a few drinks to see the evening out. So a couple hours passed and the conversation flowed quite easily, and he asked for my number so I gave it to him.

He text me a couple days later (or was it the next day... not sure...) and we exchanged a good few texts about random things and agreed we should meet for another drink.

We met a few times over the course of a week and on the final meeting (as he was not going to be around here for a while after this time) we had a really random but honest conversation about where we were both at in terms of what we wanted from life and being gay.

I swear this conversation made me really nervous at first - this guy was quite bold and was very intuitive so I would have to do be on my toes to get anything past him - but I didn't mind after the first few minutes as I thought 'screw it' and laid all my cards on the table. I said to him no one knew about my situation - not family or friends - and that I had never been this honest with any guy before.

Soon he asked me a question - "What are you doing here" - and at first I was a bit surprised someone would ask such a question on an evening out, but he elaborated and was essentially asking "What is it that I was looking for", and I found out he wanted to know because he knew why he was there. He told me he was sick of meeting guys and having one night stands, and that he was looking to make meaningful connections with people - in whatever form that may take. I ofcourse said I was not looking for one night stands and that I thought it was cool he was looking to experience other things in life.

 

Another thing we spoke about was the insecurity of gay guys. He spoke about how he often thought he was fat or could lose a few pounds, and I said he didn't need to. He had a good body and was definitely not fat, he had an average amount on him and I thought he looked great - no need to lose or gain any. He said he wasn't sure. Also, he told me he was surpised that I would be interested in him - revealing a little chink in his armour of confidence. He was a good looking guy with a nice smile, but maybe he didn't see that. We started talking about how badly gay guys treat themsleves and think of themselves, and it weirdly enough made me feel relieved that most gay guys have these insecurities and it wasn't just me - although I wish we could all be happy with oursleves no matter what but that's not living in the real world I guess.

 

Now this guy is clever. He is very astute and very observant - and he knows it. Tell him the smallest of lies and sooner or later he will find out the truth. He had a great memory and remembered pretty much everything I told him. He made a lot out of himself and is confident in himself. I knew he would be a trusting guy and wasn't a drama queen of any sorts.

We continued talking and soon I realised we had been at that table for a couple of hours! They flew by! I had told this guy so much about me including that no one in my life knew I was gay, when I knew, when I started to act on it, what I had done with guys, where I had been etc. The thing is though I really enjoyed that conversation. I don't often talk of enjoying conversations, but this one was different. To be honest I didn't want the conversation to end. It was like a release had been switched and I was unloading all of my stresses and worried and thoughts. It felt a bit liberating. Funnily enough after I had disclosed all of this my world didn't fall apart lol. I left that place feeling really secure and comfortable in myself, something I guess has eluded me for a while. It was strange how this guy who I barely knew now knows my inner secrets whereas family and friends are still kept in the dark.

Our time together came to an end, and although he wanted to leave the door open for us and said he wanted to see me again I thought it was best to stay friends as I don't think I felt quite the same as him. I also was kind of a bit rude in that I wasn't even clear if we would meet again in future as friends - a consequence of my cowardice at having revealed so much of myself to him. I still have his number though and he still has mine, who knows maybe we will meet again for a drink and remain friends.

This London malarky is getting more complicated by the day!

The Gay London Begins...

Hey guys,

So I'm based in London now and the whole change has left me feeling a mixture of emotions really. The new job which I have started is going OK and am starting to settle in - the people seem nice enough which is cool and so I will see how that goes. In terms of me settling into a new location its a bit more complicated. I'm happy I'm in a new place and am meeting new people through work - however in terms of socialising with them there is no one who is around my age really and I only know a couple of my old friends in London so am left by myself sometimes - hopefully this won't last too long though.

So here I am after work, having just eaten a take-away meal and its around 6pm - and I think what do I do now? I'll write a blog entry! I feel like I want to go boyfriend hunting but I just know it doesn't work like that and I doubt I will find anyone if I go looking - I'll jynx myself no doubt lol - although you never know unless you try I'm just sick of doing it by myself and so don't want to do it anymore

Funnily enough a girl smiled at me on the Undergound the other day - she was really cute and at first I was quite surprised - I think this has only happened to me a few times ever just randomly on public transport without even talking and she appeared quite nice - but me being me  I didn't say anything - I kind of wanted to chat her up though but was too annoyed from something that had just happened involving having to wait for over an hour to do something that should have happened before - but anyway the fact that I thought I fancied her a little was weird - I know that I'm predominantly gay but I do think every now and then a girl is quite fit and I could date her a little - so I guess I'm technically bi? I don't know really but I do know that I should have asked for her number...DAMMIT! Lesson learned I guess and if it happens again I'm going to be all over her (or him....)

I've taken some nice strolls around central london too which have been great - London at night is gorgeous - especially with the multicoloured lighting that is all around the streets - thjat combined with the great mix of architecture can make for some stunning urban landscape imagery

I've been out on the gay scene a little (which I said previously I wouldn't do alone as it doesn't leave me feeling that great) and have chatted to a couple guys but nothing has really come from it and I'm left feeling a bit frustrated - but I know that it takes time to settle anywhere and I can't just move somewhere and expect to meet people everyday and all of a sudden have an excellent social life, enjoyable job and great friends etc. I still don't think the gay scene is for me really, I've tried and occasioanlly its OK but currently its just not my bag and I can't see myself on it a lot - just here and there. I'm not sure how I can meet other gays if I do this - social clubs etc come to mind but I don't think I would go to them to be honest as it would more or less involve me coming out.

I've met with a few friends since being here which is nice and meeting a couple more who, although they don't live here, are going to visit me - I'm lucky in that I have a few really great mates who I can call and just do some catchups with...I still feel like something is missing though - and it's being in a relationship - I guess its because I havn't been in a proper one with a guy and I have this rose tinted view of how wonderful it would be. Also, when you don't have something you can start to think about it to much and it can become a bigger thing than it really is. I've been thinking of signing up to some meditation classes or something, if my friends knew that they would totally lol but I think it could be relaxing and a cool way to meet new and interesting people. I've been feeling quite contemplative and a bit more spiritual lately so why not eh?

Hopefully God (or whatever is out there) will send some good luck my way - I need it and I'm owed it! lol

Well, if you got to the end of that post congrats and thanks!

Until next time fellow reader,

GayLadForLife :-)

After You? Nah... Me First! ;-)

Hey all

I've been thinking about how I havn't been putting myself first over the last few years. I've been scurrying away going to gay bars on the sly and meetings guys on the DL. Although I'm not strictly ashamed of this behaviour I'm not proud of it either. At first it was nervewracking, then a little exciting, then things started getting a little boring, then things got very stale so I stopped. After the thrill of meeting guys and having some fun, it got monotonous because the type of guys I was meeting were only after one thing - and really that shouldn't have come as a surprise owing to the types of places I was going to during the latter part of this period lol. However, as all gay guys know, if thats what you want then you can always find it you just have to know where to go which isn't hard, but if you're after something more worthwhile then that takes a bit more effort.

But back to the point, I havn't wanted to upset or disappoint others by telling the truth and so I've lied about where I've gone and what I've done. Looking back, I've actually treated myself quite badly - in terms of both body and soul. My body has gone through god knows how much alcohol on some nights out, and my soul has been subject to the drama of facing the gay scene as a closted guy and all the uncomfortable situations and questions which come as a result. 




body and soul



Whenever I meet guys they always think I'm like 10 years older than what I really am - I don't really care though to be honest and most say its because of the way I act, just quite mature and not that silly - although ofcourse I have my moments. I often think this is because I've put myself through a lot of shit, and have often had to do it all myself with no help or input from anyone. I know if some family/friends were to hear that it might upset them but in a sense its true - I've had to deal with the hardest thing I've ever had to face alone and have changed because of it. I remember someone saying a couple years back that I'd lost my personality, and they were right as I wasn't very happy then, but hopefully I won't be going back to that anytime soon.

I have always put others before myself - I know some of my family/friends would laugh at the very thought of me saying that but for the most part its true. I'm not talking about taking the last cookie from the kitchen kind of stuff (which I have been guilt of...) but important stuff like the whole gay thang...I guess I have been a bit of a pushover and not pushed for what I have really wanted - to explore the world of the gay. I've just shutup to keep the peace and done whatever to cause the least trouble.

I've been researching online ways to make yourself happier, more assertive and how to take more control of your life. I thought a bit of self-help may...for want of a better word...help lol. Essentially I've concluded from some reading that the world will never change to suit you and your needs so waiting will do nothing, YOU have to do something and make a change for anything YOU want to happen. A shift in perspective can do wonders apparently in terms of making you happy and content, and so can not constantly comparing yourself to others - even though I still want to  get a bit more muscle on me!

Oh and for any regular readers - preparations are well under way for my move to London and I will be there very soon! I just hope I don't get there and fail miserably.

Thanks everyone

GayLadForLife   ;-)

Fit Male Celebrities - Dudes!

Some cooooool fellas:

David Beckham...this guy knows how to pose lol forget football...



Will Smith - most cheerful celeb ever? cool dude



Cesc Fabregas making spanish football even better





Colin Farrell - liking the stubble!





Mr Farrell again...





Colin one more time!





Ryan Reynolds - beary chest eh? nice one





Ashton Kutcher - this guy has a wicked sense of humour




Jamie Foxx - bit cocky but hey seems fun!



Channing Tatum - 2 for 1 photo - one smart one bit trashy lol



Th th th thats all folks!!!

A Gay Opportunity...

OK, so I haven't updated this blog much lately but I have a valid reason...

I've got a new job - and this job is in.....London

Now I've often dreamed of getting a job there so I could move away from home and start meeting others gays and maybe even build a life for myself there

But now it has come, I'm actually really apprehensive...

What if I get there and nothing changes? What if I put myself out there and get nothing back? What if I continue to live this (somewhat) boring and sheltered life?

Suddenly, what I most wanted, I've become very fearful of...

What I do know however is that I've got to give this a go, or I will regret it...I've turned down other opportunities in my life through lack of confidence and it just can't continue - I got a life to live dammit! Also, its the things that are hard and scary that end up being the most worthwhile - change is never easy.

SCARY TIMES! Hopefully though this could, just maybe, be the start of something - who knows...

I've got a little bit of time yet so I can get used to the idea, but **** this looks like its happening! lol



London Bridge

When I Phoned an LGBT Switchboard

 

Hey all,

I was wondering whether or not to write this post, as the phone call got quite personal and we talked a lot about various things including personal fears - but I've decided to do it anyway. To be honest I actually don't remember a lot of it but I do recall enough to write a post I think - guess we will soon find out!

A good few months ago (maybe even last year) I was feeling a bit down, well more than a bit down really and I remember coming across an LGBT Switchboard advert somewhere - so I thought I would call them. Their website said they wouldn't judge and you could talk about any gay issues with them etc so I thought let's give that a go. I was still quite nervous when calling but figured the call taker doesn't know me so who cares what I reveal and I can just keep it light anyway...

I called the number I got off their website and this soft-spoken guy answered. There was a bit of a pause after we both said "Hi" as I didnt know how to start.....anyhow I stayed on the line and we started talking about my situation and what I'd been up to. Understandably he was asking a lot of questions about me such as was I out to anyone/have I been on the gay scene/did I know about safe sex etc and I was actually quite enjoying the simple chat, we were just shooting the breeze really and he knew the places I spoke about and could personally relate to what I was going through so it was quite cool.

Things did start to get a little more heavy after 10/15 minutes however - Questions about how I was feeling, what was holding me back from going forward and who were the people around me were being asked. I answered truthfully, and basically said I was feeling alone, I knew it was me holding me back and unfortunately I don't feel like I can talk to family or friends about this.

I also remember saying something which made him get slightly choked up I think. We were walking about my fear of growing old gay and I said something like "I just don't want to end up having an empty life and being alone forever" - He sounded a bit upset after I said this, I think he could tell that it was also making me upset and sympathised as maybe it echoed how he felt at a certain time, and he responded by saying something like "Oh I'm sure that won't happen you seem like a great guy". I honestly did not expect to start crying after that disclosure - I never cry - I know its not a sign of weakness but I still don't like to do it. Anyhow it was a sort of cry where there were tears but I could still clearly talk (lol) so fortunately not the complete sobbing kind. I think it happened because I'd finally expressed what was holding me back and it was a relief - I'm still not sure exactly what it was to be honest, but the release felt good I guess.



I think he told me a little about his story which was nice of him. He said how he came out and who helped him etc. He also recommended I try to socialise away from the gay scene which I knew I should try and do really.

He also gave me some advice, but I discovered that I already knew which things may help but I just am not ready for them. I think I just wanted to chat to someone about being gay. It seems that I'm going to take myself to the edge before I finally start coming out and meeting gay lads who can become friends. Anyway at the end of the call I did feel better and wouldn't really hesitate in doing it again if I feel the need. I'm glad it exists that's for sure.

Thanks

GayLadForLife

Letter to a Homophobe

Hey Homophobe

I'm gay. I know you don't "approve" and think that what I am is wrong but I just wanted to let you know a little bit about me before you judged me further.

Firstly I didn't choose to be gay, contrary to what you may think. Infact I hated being gay for 10 years, so much so that I told no one, never discussed it, and never acted on it. I wasn't proud of what I was feeling and even prayed to be straight. I never wanted to fancy guys. It was not a choice. If sexuality is a choice then when did you choose to be straight? I know you're tempted to argue that "I never chose to be straight because its natural" - and that is exactly the point I'm making to you, I am naturally gay just as you are naturally straight. Homosexuality is found in nature too, just look it up. I am not something alien and I am not abnormal.

I think it was about age 12 that I realised I was gay. As so many gay guys articulate, I knew I was "different" and didn't like girls the way my friends did. I ofcourse wanted to be like everyone else and so internalised my thoughts and wished them away. Growing up whilst hiding a big part of you is quite hard. Whenever a friend asked if I fancied anyone, I lied. Whenever a group of mates were talking about girls, I immediately felt awkward. Whenever people made anti-gay comments, I felt like absolute crap. Whenever I saw a friend kiss his girlfriend, I knew I couldn't do that. Whenever I fancied a guy, I simply avoided him. I basically didn't do half the things I wanted to do because I hated who I was and what society thought of me. Growing up in the closet is incredibly lonely and isolating.

I'm almost in my mid 20s now and have never gone on a real date with someone I fancied. An embarassing fact that I doubt I will ever reveal to anyone. That experience which you took for granted when you were 15 or whatever I have never experienced. Consequently, I've not been in a relationship either - another experience I have never had. All of this because society still has prejudices against us gays and I feared people like you, as well as my family, would reject me and view me differently.

Do you have any idea how nervous I was on my first gay evening out? Firstly I was alone, as I don't have any gay mates. I actually got drunk in a straight pub before I even went to the gay one. I remember nervously sweating at the gay pub and needing to go to the toilet to chill out for a bit. I drunkenly looked in the mirror and told myself to pull it together, you were brave enough to come here alone and you're brave enough to stay. Funnily enough I had a good night that night, people came up to me ASSUMING I was gay - and they didn't care because they were gay too. I think once I left that pub things wouldn't be the same, I knew I could never get married and have kids the way I had wanted and my parents no doubt still want. 

Imagine for a minute that things were reversed - ie that the vast majority of people in the world are gay and there is a minority who are straight. Society expects you to be gay and the social system is structured around this. Even though straight people have been afforded a few rights lately, some parts of Western society still view you with suspicion and think that you partake in sexual deviancy with the opposite sex and you aren't safe to have around children. In some countries, particlarly African ones, there is still the death penalty for your heterosexuality. When some straights come out they are disowned by their families, just because they fancy someone of the opposite sex. If you do find someone you love, then too bad you can't get married because marriage is defined as "a man and a man" or "a woman and a woman". Homosexuality has been the dominant tradition of our culture and you're hetersexuality makes you a minority. Prominent religions teach God hates you and you are sinners who deserve to be burned forever. Even if you did get together with a partner, be very aware of who is around you when showing affection and be ready to defend yourself when people make a scene after you dare to kiss your girlfriend in public - you should at least have the decency to do that horrible stuff behind closed doors so us normal gays don't have to see it after all...

Can you please take 1 minute to really imagine that - not nice eh? Well that's what life is REALLY like for us...Would you stay in the closet and marry a gay? Or follow your heart and find a nice girlfriend (or boyfriend)?

Well homophobe, I'm all grown up now. You and your enablers have had a huge impact on my life and how I have felt about myself. In the past I've felt worthless, embarassed and depressed. But now I'm growing stronger. I realise that your hatred is bred out of ignorance and that's not meant as an insult. If you were to truly understand what I've been through and how hard it has been for me, I doubt you would hate me. As I reflect on who I've been, and who I want to be, there is still some way to go. But I think I can only move forward now. You've held me back for many many years, but not anymore. I've actually grown quite resilient from all of this, and sometimes feel like I can take on the world. However some days are still tough and I hope I can keep going as I know I have yet to face the biggest obstacles in this struggle.
I hope all of this has helped to inform you a little of what its like to grow up gay and be closeted in today's world. So next time you see something gay and feel the need to say something negative, just don't. Life is hard enough for each of us without us getting in each other's way.

I hope you don't hate me anymore, and that you find it in yourself not to judge others for things which are outside of their control.

We just want a chance to be happy like you.

Thanks

GayLadForLife

Girls Girls Girls!

Hey all

Here are a few mighty fine girls that I have a bit of a crush on, despite being gay - well looking at these girls maybe I'm 1% straight or something! They are HOT.

Cassie

Jourdan Dunn

Naomi Capbell



Cheryl Cole

Emily Blunt

That's all folks!

Bye!

Does Gay Love Really Exist?

Hey all

Time for my posts to get a little deeper - I thought I would tackle love! Does 'gay love' really exist in the world? A common stereotype for gay people is that they don't have meaningful long lasting relationships - is it really easier for a heterosexual couple to fall in love than a homosexual one?

Well, first thing's first, I've never been in love and to be honest I doubt I will be anytime soon. The thought of it is exciting though. I've definitely really fancied some guys but I don't think I've seen enough of any one guy in order for me to develop stronger feelings for them - a problem of still not being out and not willing to consistently put myself out there. However, I've seen gay couples when out and about and I always think its really sweet when they show affection for one another. I remember once seeing a guy greet his boyfriend on the platform at Brighton station - when his boyfriend got off the train and walked up to him he genlty placed his hand at the bottom of his boyfriend's back and held it there for a little while (long enough to let me know they were gay!) and ushered him along whilst cheerfully walking away. They were quite masculine guys and I don't know if they usually limit their displays of affection in public but I remember thinking what a subtle way to discreetly care for his partner when they both know they might have been stared at if they were to properly embrace.

There are many stereotypes which people recklessly apply to a gay adult man but one that I find particularly offensive is the one that he is cruisey and would rather sleep around town than have a real monogomous relationship. I don't know how this steroetype was formed - probably to demonise gays in past decades and associate them with promiscuous activity. I can say however that I have met gays that are this way, but also many that aren't and are repelled at the thought of having one night stands.

 

How do we define 'love'? An Oxford web definition states that it is 'a strong feeling of affection'. That definition seems a bit lacklustre to me... I don't know about you but when I think of love I think of my mood being lifted at the thought of seeing someone, not wanting a night to end when we're together or just remeniscing over past experiences together - but hey that's all a bit academic at the moment. I guess I'm a bit of an old romantic! Who knew...

Is it true that there is less pressure for gays to stay together than straights? More often than not they don't have to "stay together for the kids" and because society still doesn't really expect them to achieve any significant length in their commitments to each other there is less pressure for them to continue with one another if they feel they are not suited anymore. But I don't think I would go as far to say that they haven't got as much to lose, life isn't always measured in offspring and joint mortgages!

How does the media depict gay love? Unfortunately gay relationships and love scenes in tv shows and movies are still deemed somewhat contraversial. God knows why. They are as natural as heterosexual ones. I remember when a gay storyline in Eastenders (a UK soap) between Christian and Syed featured a scene where they were both lying in the same bed. Some people complained apparently. No doubt these are the same people who cry that they are "protecting the children" and "not homophobes". Homophobes take many forms, the obvious one is the thug in the street but a more subtle one is the person who fires off an email to the BBC for a simple gay scene in a soap.

If I ever fall in love I hope it will be like how it is in the movies, but unforunately I'm all too aware that life is more complex and things rarely follow the light hearted comedic plots of rom-coms. To be able to feel so much for another man would be pretty great, and whenever I hear about gay guys getting married or having been together for X many years I always secretly cheer them on and hope the best for them...to do so explicity amongst some people I know may cause an argument...but that argument is one which I'm thinking I want to have soon, as some people just need to wake up and smell the croissants! lol OK I promise to never say that again...anyway

So, returning to the question, the answer is...NO. There is no such thing as "gay love", it doesn't exist I'm afraid - just as "straight love" doesn't exist. There is only "love". The answer was obvious from the outset, but through the convolusions of this post I had to explore a little more widely. I guess it sounds cheesy to say it doesn't matter whether the love is between a man and a woman or two men (or two women) but its true. If two people love each other then I think that's pretty awesome and life is too short to worry about the bigotry of others. More and more I'm realising that you've got to fight for what you want in this world because some people somewhere are constantly trying to screw you over and trying to get theirs and so you've got to get yours!
 

So here's to all the lovers out there! Have a drink on me!

GayLadForLife   ;-)

My Gay Shadow

My Gay Shadow

In the corner down low, the shadow sits

Waiting for God, waiting for this

Looks from afar but won’t enter the light

It hates being seen, it feels it’s not right

Separate from you, separate from me

It told me once it just wants to be free

But behind the person, that’s where it stays

Forever or not, out of the way

Closet Commentary - Making Gay Friends + Update

Hey People

Thought I would write a little about trying to make gay friends whilst in the closet.

Well...its been harder than I thought, and I haven't really made any but some of that is down to me as well as just bad luck. When I have gone out on the town I have used a fake name (random I know...I just blurted it out one time and since its kind of stuck...) and although I give out my number quite freely when people ask, it hasn't really resulted in much. Part of me wants to make gay friends...after all I could go out with them to all these gay places and finally discuss fancying guys with other guys! But part of me thinks if I start doing it too much and start staying in real contact with these guys then the whole coming out of the closet thing will have to be had - sometimes I think I'm really dragging this out, but I know I'm not fully comfortable with it yet and until I am and am ready to defend who I am I can't do it - I need to be able to counter the resistance and hold my own without depending on anyone else for that to happen.

(How nights usually start...)

There have been a few times when I was out and about and had the chance to make some friends that seemed like decent guys. Once when in Soho this guy wanted me to go with him and his mates to Vauxhall, I said no and held back because it was early days and didn't know where they would go/what they would do/what time we would finish/how I would get back - that has bugged me because the guy that asked me seemed really cool and I felt bad saying no for no apparent reason.

Secondly there was this one guy who I met in a bar - normal guy with a geeky edge and he pulled it off really well, lol, quite quick witted and glasses with a bit of hair styling, not what I usually go for but I'm not for sticking to rigid 'rules' anyway - we went to a couple bars and changed numbers but he had work the next day and so left - we texted for a good few weeks later and he tried to get me to come up again but the weather messed up the trains and I think he wanted to be more than friends but I didn't - I just wanted to be mates.

There was another time where I was aproached by this really nice guy in a bar, and we chatted for a little bit but because I felt no chemistry I left - it was only after I left that I thought why did I do that its not like I'm looking for Mr Right and he could have been a good mate - ah well that's the kind of random thinking when you've had a few!

UPDATE - I went out last nigt actually, in Soho again and have decided I am not going out by myself EVER again to these places. I was just drinking by myself and not really doing anything except playing on my phone to avoid looking like a billy-no-mates (thats an english phrase for my international "fans" lol), definitely not fun! I actually got a bit upset on the way back too but I feel better knowing that I'm not going to put myself through that again - I think I'm done with gay bars - they are not good places to meet people as its loud, people go there with mates and not to make them necessarily and the combo of closeted me with alcohol is not a formula for success...

(Where I went last night and had one of the worst evenings of my life)

Also last night these girls came into this gay-bar, they were mid 30s with kids and single and preferred the gay bars to party than the straight bars because 'they didn't get hit on by pervs' etc - Although they were quite nice (note - one was bordering on crazy though when she got her bits out)  they kept trying to talk to me about how I came out and I kept thinking "oh god why are we talking about this - I'm telling them this story but its not true as I don't want them to make a fuss infront of everyone!" - I crept out of there anyway and thought screw this I don't need all this crap. Gay me can take a back seat now as I'm done dealing with this s**t! - I'm not sure if I can box it away that easily though - but one thing is for sure I am never going out in Soho by myself again, especially not in a closet frame of mind. 

I'm not sure where this leaves this blog now actually - I started thinking this would document my new gay experiences etc but I think I'm considering just staying in the closet and focussing on other things now - I'm not going to worry about guys or meeting gays - I've spent too long on that and haven't gotten anywhere due to my own hesitation and I almost feel worse than before! I knew this would be hard but ffs! lol

So this may be my last post of this short-lived blog - will have to wait and see...hope anyone else in my position is having better luck

GayLadForLife

Gay Marriage or Marriage Equality?

Hey people!

There's been a lot in the news about "gay marriage" and I thought I would share a few of my thoughts on it.

Here in the UK "civil partnerships" were introduced not long ago to seek to address the unfairness in the legal system against us gays. It is true that civil partners have many of the same rights as married spouses, however the creation of a separate insitution for gays seemed to set them aside (as if we havn't been marginalised enough) from the rest of society - and I do believe the label of marriage is an important one. Some opponents say equality of substance is what matters and not the form it takes, but I'm not convinced.

Also, I do prefer people campaigning for "marriage equality" instead of "gay marriage" - the use of language is often underestimated and gay rights activists have done the right thing in changing the terminology of their cause from the latter to the former. "Gay marriage" alludes to a homosexual alignment to an institution made (apparently) for heterosexuals, whereas "marriage equality" pertains to a notion where marriage is an institution which should be open to all and not discriminate against those who happened to love members of their own sex. It is a fine distinction but I feel an important one.

(FYI - I love pictures of happy gay guys, it gives me hope that I will be one of them one day so thought I would share the one above!)



Furthermore I really don't get calls to put the issue up for a vote which has been the case in some places, since when should human RIGHTS be put to a vote? Rights exist to protect everyone and especially the minority against the majority - which is why it makes no sense to vote on them in my opinion.

Most of the arguments against gay marriage just don't make sense. I hear several ones over and over again:

1 - Allowing gay couples ot get married will devalue the institution
Hmmm, no not really. How so? How would me being married to another man change any heterosexual couple's marriage? It won't at all. Often people accompany this argument with "marriage is a union between a man and a woman" - this often is said by the far-right religious and religion is another matter all together lol - but basically civil law should not, and cannot, revolve around religious doctrines for obvious reasons.

2 - If that gets legalised, whatever next? polygamy? etc
Eh? Where did that come from? Not from any reasoned or rational place that's for sure...fyi people were saying the same thing when  interracial marriage was "contraversial" - grow up and form a proper argument

3 - There is no purpose for gays to get "married" - they can't procreate
So??? Just because in most marriages children are conceieved it does not make them necessary to make it valid...if it did then I guess we should be banning old people from getting married...and test the fertility of all straight couples before they sign the marriage certificate....

I don't know if I would ever get married to a guy, but I would like the option and I would like to know that gays are not discriminated against by not being part of such a mainstream institution. Here in the UK the conservatives (weirdly enough) have said that they wanted to introduce it but some bigots in the house of commons have sought to undermine this and slow down, or halt altogether, its progression. I'm happy to hear however that Scotland will be introducing it soon and that more and more US states are legalising it - although I think if we are talking of human rights that should really be done at federal level, not state level - but hey I guess its progress of a kind. There are also many campaigns out there right now which are going strong and which I hope will make a difference, bit by bit we can fight for equality and let society know that us gays are just like everyone else and just want to be happy and free to share our lives with the ones we love.

Thanks for reading, follow/subscribe if you like...be the first lol

GayLadForLife

Some cool (and hot!) celebs!

Hey Guys n Girls,

Thought I'd share some thought and pics of awesome/hot/cool/guys I fancy/celebs (lol):

Tyson Beckford

This guy is so hot and just oozes style, and seen him on tv couple times a real nice guy too I think.

Paul Walker

This guy definitely made Fast & Furious a whole lot better!

Armoury Nolasco

This guy is so cool and nice I would probably marry him if given the chance lol, here's another pic just becuase he is so cool!

Eric Dane

Need I say anymore? No...fyi eric keep the hair short, when its longer you look a lil sleazy - ok I take it back do whatever!

Ryan Phillipe

Cool dude - lookin a lil gangsta here too, he's obviously listening to his beats n felt really G so took of his shirt - no complaints here man

Idris Elba

When I first saw this guy on the office and he said "i'm aware of the effect I have on women" I thought yeh but are you aware of the effect on guys too? lol, he must be by now, if not I'll tell him!

David Boreanaz

Just found this pic...O...M...G - nuff said.

Shia LeBoeuf

Nice eyes mate - keep up the cool movied!

And that is all for this post, hope u guys enjoyed the list - those...basically...are the celebs I fancy! Not an exhaustive list by any means but whatcha think? good taste in guys? I think so!

#CiaoForNow