I was wondering whether or not to write this post, as the phone call got quite personal and we talked a lot about various things including personal fears - but I've decided to do it anyway. To be honest I actually don't remember a lot of it but I do recall enough to write a post I think - guess we will soon find out!
A good few months ago (maybe even last year) I was feeling a bit down, well more than a bit down really and I remember coming across an LGBT Switchboard advert somewhere - so I thought I would call them. Their website said they wouldn't judge and you could talk about any gay issues with them etc so I thought let's give that a go. I was still quite nervous when calling but figured the call taker doesn't know me so who cares what I reveal and I can just keep it light anyway...
I called the number I got off their website and this soft-spoken guy answered. There was a bit of a pause after we both said "Hi" as I didnt know how to start.....anyhow I stayed on the line and we started talking about my situation and what I'd been up to. Understandably he was asking a lot of questions about me such as was I out to anyone/have I been on the gay scene/did I know about safe sex etc and I was actually quite enjoying the simple chat, we were just shooting the breeze really and he knew the places I spoke about and could personally relate to what I was going through so it was quite cool.
Things did start to get a little more heavy after 10/15 minutes however - Questions about how I was feeling, what was holding me back from going forward and who were the people around me were being asked. I answered truthfully, and basically said I was feeling alone, I knew it was me holding me back and unfortunately I don't feel like I can talk to family or friends about this.
I also remember saying something which made him get slightly choked up I think. We were walking about my fear of growing old gay and I said something like "I just don't want to end up having an empty life and being alone forever" - He sounded a bit upset after I said this, I think he could tell that it was also making me upset and sympathised as maybe it echoed how he felt at a certain time, and he responded by saying something like "Oh I'm sure that won't happen you seem like a great guy". I honestly did not expect to start crying after that disclosure - I never cry - I know its not a sign of weakness but I still don't like to do it. Anyhow it was a sort of cry where there were tears but I could still clearly talk (lol) so fortunately not the complete sobbing kind. I think it happened because I'd finally expressed what was holding me back and it was a relief - I'm still not sure exactly what it was to be honest, but the release felt good I guess.
I think he told me a little about his story which was nice of him. He said how he came out and who helped him etc. He also recommended I try to socialise away from the gay scene which I knew I should try and do really.
He also gave me some advice, but I discovered that I already knew which things may help but I just am not ready for them. I think I just wanted to chat to someone about being gay. It seems that I'm going to take myself to the edge before I finally start coming out and meeting gay lads who can become friends. Anyway at the end of the call I did feel better and wouldn't really hesitate in doing it again if I feel the need. I'm glad it exists that's for sure.
Thanks
GayLadForLife
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