Closet Commentary - Making Gay Friends + Update

Hey People

Thought I would write a little about trying to make gay friends whilst in the closet.

Well...its been harder than I thought, and I haven't really made any but some of that is down to me as well as just bad luck. When I have gone out on the town I have used a fake name (random I know...I just blurted it out one time and since its kind of stuck...) and although I give out my number quite freely when people ask, it hasn't really resulted in much. Part of me wants to make gay friends...after all I could go out with them to all these gay places and finally discuss fancying guys with other guys! But part of me thinks if I start doing it too much and start staying in real contact with these guys then the whole coming out of the closet thing will have to be had - sometimes I think I'm really dragging this out, but I know I'm not fully comfortable with it yet and until I am and am ready to defend who I am I can't do it - I need to be able to counter the resistance and hold my own without depending on anyone else for that to happen.

(How nights usually start...)

There have been a few times when I was out and about and had the chance to make some friends that seemed like decent guys. Once when in Soho this guy wanted me to go with him and his mates to Vauxhall, I said no and held back because it was early days and didn't know where they would go/what they would do/what time we would finish/how I would get back - that has bugged me because the guy that asked me seemed really cool and I felt bad saying no for no apparent reason.

Secondly there was this one guy who I met in a bar - normal guy with a geeky edge and he pulled it off really well, lol, quite quick witted and glasses with a bit of hair styling, not what I usually go for but I'm not for sticking to rigid 'rules' anyway - we went to a couple bars and changed numbers but he had work the next day and so left - we texted for a good few weeks later and he tried to get me to come up again but the weather messed up the trains and I think he wanted to be more than friends but I didn't - I just wanted to be mates.

There was another time where I was aproached by this really nice guy in a bar, and we chatted for a little bit but because I felt no chemistry I left - it was only after I left that I thought why did I do that its not like I'm looking for Mr Right and he could have been a good mate - ah well that's the kind of random thinking when you've had a few!

UPDATE - I went out last nigt actually, in Soho again and have decided I am not going out by myself EVER again to these places. I was just drinking by myself and not really doing anything except playing on my phone to avoid looking like a billy-no-mates (thats an english phrase for my international "fans" lol), definitely not fun! I actually got a bit upset on the way back too but I feel better knowing that I'm not going to put myself through that again - I think I'm done with gay bars - they are not good places to meet people as its loud, people go there with mates and not to make them necessarily and the combo of closeted me with alcohol is not a formula for success...

(Where I went last night and had one of the worst evenings of my life)

Also last night these girls came into this gay-bar, they were mid 30s with kids and single and preferred the gay bars to party than the straight bars because 'they didn't get hit on by pervs' etc - Although they were quite nice (note - one was bordering on crazy though when she got her bits out)  they kept trying to talk to me about how I came out and I kept thinking "oh god why are we talking about this - I'm telling them this story but its not true as I don't want them to make a fuss infront of everyone!" - I crept out of there anyway and thought screw this I don't need all this crap. Gay me can take a back seat now as I'm done dealing with this s**t! - I'm not sure if I can box it away that easily though - but one thing is for sure I am never going out in Soho by myself again, especially not in a closet frame of mind. 

I'm not sure where this leaves this blog now actually - I started thinking this would document my new gay experiences etc but I think I'm considering just staying in the closet and focussing on other things now - I'm not going to worry about guys or meeting gays - I've spent too long on that and haven't gotten anywhere due to my own hesitation and I almost feel worse than before! I knew this would be hard but ffs! lol

So this may be my last post of this short-lived blog - will have to wait and see...hope anyone else in my position is having better luck

GayLadForLife