Letter to a Homophobe

Hey Homophobe

I'm gay. I know you don't "approve" and think that what I am is wrong but I just wanted to let you know a little bit about me before you judged me further.

Firstly I didn't choose to be gay, contrary to what you may think. Infact I hated being gay for 10 years, so much so that I told no one, never discussed it, and never acted on it. I wasn't proud of what I was feeling and even prayed to be straight. I never wanted to fancy guys. It was not a choice. If sexuality is a choice then when did you choose to be straight? I know you're tempted to argue that "I never chose to be straight because its natural" - and that is exactly the point I'm making to you, I am naturally gay just as you are naturally straight. Homosexuality is found in nature too, just look it up. I am not something alien and I am not abnormal.

I think it was about age 12 that I realised I was gay. As so many gay guys articulate, I knew I was "different" and didn't like girls the way my friends did. I ofcourse wanted to be like everyone else and so internalised my thoughts and wished them away. Growing up whilst hiding a big part of you is quite hard. Whenever a friend asked if I fancied anyone, I lied. Whenever a group of mates were talking about girls, I immediately felt awkward. Whenever people made anti-gay comments, I felt like absolute crap. Whenever I saw a friend kiss his girlfriend, I knew I couldn't do that. Whenever I fancied a guy, I simply avoided him. I basically didn't do half the things I wanted to do because I hated who I was and what society thought of me. Growing up in the closet is incredibly lonely and isolating.

I'm almost in my mid 20s now and have never gone on a real date with someone I fancied. An embarassing fact that I doubt I will ever reveal to anyone. That experience which you took for granted when you were 15 or whatever I have never experienced. Consequently, I've not been in a relationship either - another experience I have never had. All of this because society still has prejudices against us gays and I feared people like you, as well as my family, would reject me and view me differently.

Do you have any idea how nervous I was on my first gay evening out? Firstly I was alone, as I don't have any gay mates. I actually got drunk in a straight pub before I even went to the gay one. I remember nervously sweating at the gay pub and needing to go to the toilet to chill out for a bit. I drunkenly looked in the mirror and told myself to pull it together, you were brave enough to come here alone and you're brave enough to stay. Funnily enough I had a good night that night, people came up to me ASSUMING I was gay - and they didn't care because they were gay too. I think once I left that pub things wouldn't be the same, I knew I could never get married and have kids the way I had wanted and my parents no doubt still want. 

Imagine for a minute that things were reversed - ie that the vast majority of people in the world are gay and there is a minority who are straight. Society expects you to be gay and the social system is structured around this. Even though straight people have been afforded a few rights lately, some parts of Western society still view you with suspicion and think that you partake in sexual deviancy with the opposite sex and you aren't safe to have around children. In some countries, particlarly African ones, there is still the death penalty for your heterosexuality. When some straights come out they are disowned by their families, just because they fancy someone of the opposite sex. If you do find someone you love, then too bad you can't get married because marriage is defined as "a man and a man" or "a woman and a woman". Homosexuality has been the dominant tradition of our culture and you're hetersexuality makes you a minority. Prominent religions teach God hates you and you are sinners who deserve to be burned forever. Even if you did get together with a partner, be very aware of who is around you when showing affection and be ready to defend yourself when people make a scene after you dare to kiss your girlfriend in public - you should at least have the decency to do that horrible stuff behind closed doors so us normal gays don't have to see it after all...

Can you please take 1 minute to really imagine that - not nice eh? Well that's what life is REALLY like for us...Would you stay in the closet and marry a gay? Or follow your heart and find a nice girlfriend (or boyfriend)?

Well homophobe, I'm all grown up now. You and your enablers have had a huge impact on my life and how I have felt about myself. In the past I've felt worthless, embarassed and depressed. But now I'm growing stronger. I realise that your hatred is bred out of ignorance and that's not meant as an insult. If you were to truly understand what I've been through and how hard it has been for me, I doubt you would hate me. As I reflect on who I've been, and who I want to be, there is still some way to go. But I think I can only move forward now. You've held me back for many many years, but not anymore. I've actually grown quite resilient from all of this, and sometimes feel like I can take on the world. However some days are still tough and I hope I can keep going as I know I have yet to face the biggest obstacles in this struggle.
I hope all of this has helped to inform you a little of what its like to grow up gay and be closeted in today's world. So next time you see something gay and feel the need to say something negative, just don't. Life is hard enough for each of us without us getting in each other's way.

I hope you don't hate me anymore, and that you find it in yourself not to judge others for things which are outside of their control.

We just want a chance to be happy like you.

Thanks

GayLadForLife