When I Phoned an LGBT Switchboard

 

Hey all,

I was wondering whether or not to write this post, as the phone call got quite personal and we talked a lot about various things including personal fears - but I've decided to do it anyway. To be honest I actually don't remember a lot of it but I do recall enough to write a post I think - guess we will soon find out!

A good few months ago (maybe even last year) I was feeling a bit down, well more than a bit down really and I remember coming across an LGBT Switchboard advert somewhere - so I thought I would call them. Their website said they wouldn't judge and you could talk about any gay issues with them etc so I thought let's give that a go. I was still quite nervous when calling but figured the call taker doesn't know me so who cares what I reveal and I can just keep it light anyway...

I called the number I got off their website and this soft-spoken guy answered. There was a bit of a pause after we both said "Hi" as I didnt know how to start.....anyhow I stayed on the line and we started talking about my situation and what I'd been up to. Understandably he was asking a lot of questions about me such as was I out to anyone/have I been on the gay scene/did I know about safe sex etc and I was actually quite enjoying the simple chat, we were just shooting the breeze really and he knew the places I spoke about and could personally relate to what I was going through so it was quite cool.

Things did start to get a little more heavy after 10/15 minutes however - Questions about how I was feeling, what was holding me back from going forward and who were the people around me were being asked. I answered truthfully, and basically said I was feeling alone, I knew it was me holding me back and unfortunately I don't feel like I can talk to family or friends about this.

I also remember saying something which made him get slightly choked up I think. We were walking about my fear of growing old gay and I said something like "I just don't want to end up having an empty life and being alone forever" - He sounded a bit upset after I said this, I think he could tell that it was also making me upset and sympathised as maybe it echoed how he felt at a certain time, and he responded by saying something like "Oh I'm sure that won't happen you seem like a great guy". I honestly did not expect to start crying after that disclosure - I never cry - I know its not a sign of weakness but I still don't like to do it. Anyhow it was a sort of cry where there were tears but I could still clearly talk (lol) so fortunately not the complete sobbing kind. I think it happened because I'd finally expressed what was holding me back and it was a relief - I'm still not sure exactly what it was to be honest, but the release felt good I guess.



I think he told me a little about his story which was nice of him. He said how he came out and who helped him etc. He also recommended I try to socialise away from the gay scene which I knew I should try and do really.

He also gave me some advice, but I discovered that I already knew which things may help but I just am not ready for them. I think I just wanted to chat to someone about being gay. It seems that I'm going to take myself to the edge before I finally start coming out and meeting gay lads who can become friends. Anyway at the end of the call I did feel better and wouldn't really hesitate in doing it again if I feel the need. I'm glad it exists that's for sure.

Thanks

GayLadForLife

Letter to a Homophobe

Hey Homophobe

I'm gay. I know you don't "approve" and think that what I am is wrong but I just wanted to let you know a little bit about me before you judged me further.

Firstly I didn't choose to be gay, contrary to what you may think. Infact I hated being gay for 10 years, so much so that I told no one, never discussed it, and never acted on it. I wasn't proud of what I was feeling and even prayed to be straight. I never wanted to fancy guys. It was not a choice. If sexuality is a choice then when did you choose to be straight? I know you're tempted to argue that "I never chose to be straight because its natural" - and that is exactly the point I'm making to you, I am naturally gay just as you are naturally straight. Homosexuality is found in nature too, just look it up. I am not something alien and I am not abnormal.

I think it was about age 12 that I realised I was gay. As so many gay guys articulate, I knew I was "different" and didn't like girls the way my friends did. I ofcourse wanted to be like everyone else and so internalised my thoughts and wished them away. Growing up whilst hiding a big part of you is quite hard. Whenever a friend asked if I fancied anyone, I lied. Whenever a group of mates were talking about girls, I immediately felt awkward. Whenever people made anti-gay comments, I felt like absolute crap. Whenever I saw a friend kiss his girlfriend, I knew I couldn't do that. Whenever I fancied a guy, I simply avoided him. I basically didn't do half the things I wanted to do because I hated who I was and what society thought of me. Growing up in the closet is incredibly lonely and isolating.

I'm almost in my mid 20s now and have never gone on a real date with someone I fancied. An embarassing fact that I doubt I will ever reveal to anyone. That experience which you took for granted when you were 15 or whatever I have never experienced. Consequently, I've not been in a relationship either - another experience I have never had. All of this because society still has prejudices against us gays and I feared people like you, as well as my family, would reject me and view me differently.

Do you have any idea how nervous I was on my first gay evening out? Firstly I was alone, as I don't have any gay mates. I actually got drunk in a straight pub before I even went to the gay one. I remember nervously sweating at the gay pub and needing to go to the toilet to chill out for a bit. I drunkenly looked in the mirror and told myself to pull it together, you were brave enough to come here alone and you're brave enough to stay. Funnily enough I had a good night that night, people came up to me ASSUMING I was gay - and they didn't care because they were gay too. I think once I left that pub things wouldn't be the same, I knew I could never get married and have kids the way I had wanted and my parents no doubt still want. 

Imagine for a minute that things were reversed - ie that the vast majority of people in the world are gay and there is a minority who are straight. Society expects you to be gay and the social system is structured around this. Even though straight people have been afforded a few rights lately, some parts of Western society still view you with suspicion and think that you partake in sexual deviancy with the opposite sex and you aren't safe to have around children. In some countries, particlarly African ones, there is still the death penalty for your heterosexuality. When some straights come out they are disowned by their families, just because they fancy someone of the opposite sex. If you do find someone you love, then too bad you can't get married because marriage is defined as "a man and a man" or "a woman and a woman". Homosexuality has been the dominant tradition of our culture and you're hetersexuality makes you a minority. Prominent religions teach God hates you and you are sinners who deserve to be burned forever. Even if you did get together with a partner, be very aware of who is around you when showing affection and be ready to defend yourself when people make a scene after you dare to kiss your girlfriend in public - you should at least have the decency to do that horrible stuff behind closed doors so us normal gays don't have to see it after all...

Can you please take 1 minute to really imagine that - not nice eh? Well that's what life is REALLY like for us...Would you stay in the closet and marry a gay? Or follow your heart and find a nice girlfriend (or boyfriend)?

Well homophobe, I'm all grown up now. You and your enablers have had a huge impact on my life and how I have felt about myself. In the past I've felt worthless, embarassed and depressed. But now I'm growing stronger. I realise that your hatred is bred out of ignorance and that's not meant as an insult. If you were to truly understand what I've been through and how hard it has been for me, I doubt you would hate me. As I reflect on who I've been, and who I want to be, there is still some way to go. But I think I can only move forward now. You've held me back for many many years, but not anymore. I've actually grown quite resilient from all of this, and sometimes feel like I can take on the world. However some days are still tough and I hope I can keep going as I know I have yet to face the biggest obstacles in this struggle.
I hope all of this has helped to inform you a little of what its like to grow up gay and be closeted in today's world. So next time you see something gay and feel the need to say something negative, just don't. Life is hard enough for each of us without us getting in each other's way.

I hope you don't hate me anymore, and that you find it in yourself not to judge others for things which are outside of their control.

We just want a chance to be happy like you.

Thanks

GayLadForLife

Girls Girls Girls!

Hey all

Here are a few mighty fine girls that I have a bit of a crush on, despite being gay - well looking at these girls maybe I'm 1% straight or something! They are HOT.

Cassie

Jourdan Dunn

Naomi Capbell



Cheryl Cole

Emily Blunt

That's all folks!

Bye!