Another thing I've been noticing lately is people at work asking about my private life - genuine questions I guess but as I'm closeted I usually just give generic answers (ie bowling/cinema/pub with mates) - I get the feeling they must think I'm so boring but I'd rather they think that as I'm still not completely comfortable with the whole gay thing...but it does get me down a bit feelin as though I can't share that part of myself with them...no one is homophobic at work I think but I once people know I fear they will only think of me as 'the gay guy' and nothing else will matter
My boss (who is a real cool nice guy - lucky there eh!) asked me once ages ago about going out and where I meet people - I kinda froze when he asked thinking 'oh shit' but I brought the generic answers back and managed to rattle off something about bars in town etc - I think people suspect I'm gay because of the way I act (which I think is relatively straight but every now n then a gay thing slips through lol) and I never talk about a girlfriend/dating and most other people in the office are quite open about their relationships/families, they probably do suspect but don't directly ask as it isn't something you bring up with someone unless you know them very well - well that and maybe they think I would be offended if they asked.
I often wondered what I would do if someone asked me straight off now "are you gay" - i sometimes hope i would say "yes" but I know I probably wouldn't - if someone at work asked me INFRONT of other people I would not like that at all and would probably hate them for a long time lol, as it would put me on the spot and being gay is something many people struggle with (myself included obviously) and so doing that infront of others and not caring enough about how I may feel on the topic (especially if I'm a private person) would indicate a flagrant disregard for my feelings on the matter
So for now I think I'm gonna keep the generic non-specific answers going at work but hopefully at my next job (as I do think I need to move on soon) I can be a little more open about myself - who knows I may even have a bf by then! I can dream. Ironically enough the person who would have the biggest problem of knowing I'm gay at work would be me, I guess once you accept yourself everything flows from there, seems like a huge hurdle at the moment but I'm hopeful I will get there...its takin its time though!
Oh and I'm thinking on a big ol gay outing this weekend! A few drinks and see what happens - it's weird that I'm completely myself around gay strangers (and usually a lot happier) but around close friends and family I feel I have to be someone else
Thus the next post may be a memoir of the night out...they are sooo fun sometimes
No comments:
Post a Comment