Revealing myself to an astute stranger...

Hey everyone,

Recently I've had one of the most honest conversations of my life...

This guy approached me in a bar in London when I was sitting by myself, and we started talking and hit it off quite well. He was visiting the city and was having a few drinks to see the evening out. So a couple hours passed and the conversation flowed quite easily, and he asked for my number so I gave it to him.

He text me a couple days later (or was it the next day... not sure...) and we exchanged a good few texts about random things and agreed we should meet for another drink.

We met a few times over the course of a week and on the final meeting (as he was not going to be around here for a while after this time) we had a really random but honest conversation about where we were both at in terms of what we wanted from life and being gay.

I swear this conversation made me really nervous at first - this guy was quite bold and was very intuitive so I would have to do be on my toes to get anything past him - but I didn't mind after the first few minutes as I thought 'screw it' and laid all my cards on the table. I said to him no one knew about my situation - not family or friends - and that I had never been this honest with any guy before.

Soon he asked me a question - "What are you doing here" - and at first I was a bit surprised someone would ask such a question on an evening out, but he elaborated and was essentially asking "What is it that I was looking for", and I found out he wanted to know because he knew why he was there. He told me he was sick of meeting guys and having one night stands, and that he was looking to make meaningful connections with people - in whatever form that may take. I ofcourse said I was not looking for one night stands and that I thought it was cool he was looking to experience other things in life.

 

Another thing we spoke about was the insecurity of gay guys. He spoke about how he often thought he was fat or could lose a few pounds, and I said he didn't need to. He had a good body and was definitely not fat, he had an average amount on him and I thought he looked great - no need to lose or gain any. He said he wasn't sure. Also, he told me he was surpised that I would be interested in him - revealing a little chink in his armour of confidence. He was a good looking guy with a nice smile, but maybe he didn't see that. We started talking about how badly gay guys treat themsleves and think of themselves, and it weirdly enough made me feel relieved that most gay guys have these insecurities and it wasn't just me - although I wish we could all be happy with oursleves no matter what but that's not living in the real world I guess.

 

Now this guy is clever. He is very astute and very observant - and he knows it. Tell him the smallest of lies and sooner or later he will find out the truth. He had a great memory and remembered pretty much everything I told him. He made a lot out of himself and is confident in himself. I knew he would be a trusting guy and wasn't a drama queen of any sorts.

We continued talking and soon I realised we had been at that table for a couple of hours! They flew by! I had told this guy so much about me including that no one in my life knew I was gay, when I knew, when I started to act on it, what I had done with guys, where I had been etc. The thing is though I really enjoyed that conversation. I don't often talk of enjoying conversations, but this one was different. To be honest I didn't want the conversation to end. It was like a release had been switched and I was unloading all of my stresses and worried and thoughts. It felt a bit liberating. Funnily enough after I had disclosed all of this my world didn't fall apart lol. I left that place feeling really secure and comfortable in myself, something I guess has eluded me for a while. It was strange how this guy who I barely knew now knows my inner secrets whereas family and friends are still kept in the dark.

Our time together came to an end, and although he wanted to leave the door open for us and said he wanted to see me again I thought it was best to stay friends as I don't think I felt quite the same as him. I also was kind of a bit rude in that I wasn't even clear if we would meet again in future as friends - a consequence of my cowardice at having revealed so much of myself to him. I still have his number though and he still has mine, who knows maybe we will meet again for a drink and remain friends.

This London malarky is getting more complicated by the day!