I've been thinking about how I havn't been putting myself first over the last few years. I've been scurrying away going to gay bars on the sly and meetings guys on the DL. Although I'm not strictly ashamed of this behaviour I'm not proud of it either. At first it was nervewracking, then a little exciting, then things started getting a little boring, then things got very stale so I stopped. After the thrill of meeting guys and having some fun, it got monotonous because the type of guys I was meeting were only after one thing - and really that shouldn't have come as a surprise owing to the types of places I was going to during the latter part of this period lol. However, as all gay guys know, if thats what you want then you can always find it you just have to know where to go which isn't hard, but if you're after something more worthwhile then that takes a bit more effort.
But back to the point, I havn't wanted to upset or disappoint others by telling the truth and so I've lied about where I've gone and what I've done. Looking back, I've actually treated myself quite badly - in terms of both body and soul. My body has gone through god knows how much alcohol on some nights out, and my soul has been subject to the drama of facing the gay scene as a closted guy and all the uncomfortable situations and questions which come as a result.
 |
| body and soul |
Whenever I meet guys they always think I'm like 10 years older than what I really am - I don't really care though to be honest and most say its because of the way I act, just quite mature and not that silly - although ofcourse I have my moments. I often think this is because I've put myself through a lot of shit, and have often had to do it all myself with no help or input from anyone. I know if some family/friends were to hear that it might upset them but in a sense its true - I've had to deal with the hardest thing I've ever had to face alone and have changed because of it. I remember someone saying a couple years back that I'd lost my personality, and they were right as I wasn't very happy then, but hopefully I won't be going back to that anytime soon.
I have always put others before myself - I know some of my family/friends would laugh at the very thought of me saying that but for the most part its true. I'm not talking about taking the last cookie from the kitchen kind of stuff (which I have been guilt of...) but important stuff like the whole gay thang...I guess I have been a bit of a pushover and not pushed for what I have really wanted - to explore the world of the gay. I've just shutup to keep the peace and done whatever to cause the least trouble.
I've been researching online ways to make yourself happier, more assertive and how to take more control of your life. I thought a bit of self-help may...for want of a better word...help lol. Essentially I've concluded from some reading that the world will never change to suit you and your needs so waiting will do nothing, YOU have to do something and make a change for anything YOU want to happen. A shift in perspective can do wonders apparently in terms of making you happy and content, and so can not constantly comparing yourself to others - even though I still want to get a bit more muscle on me!
Oh and for any regular readers - preparations are well under way for my move to London and I will be there very soon! I just hope I don't get there and fail miserably.
Thanks everyone
GayLadForLife ;-)
