Thursday 28 June 2012

Those Qs at work...

Hey guys & gals in cyberland

Another thing I've been noticing lately is people at work asking about my private life - genuine questions I guess but as I'm closeted I usually just give generic answers (ie bowling/cinema/pub with mates) - I get the feeling they must think I'm so boring but I'd rather they think that as I'm still not completely comfortable with the whole gay thing...but it does get me down a bit feelin as though I can't share that part of myself with them...no one is homophobic at work I think but I once people know I fear they will only think of me as 'the gay guy' and nothing else will matter



My boss (who is a real cool nice guy - lucky there eh!) asked me once ages ago about going out and where I meet people - I kinda froze when he asked thinking 'oh shit' but I brought the generic answers back and managed to rattle off something about bars in town etc - I think people suspect I'm gay because of the way I act (which I think is relatively straight but every now n then a gay thing slips through lol) and I never talk about a girlfriend/dating and most other people in the office are quite open about their relationships/families, they probably do suspect but don't directly ask as it isn't something you bring up with someone unless you know them very well - well that and maybe they think I would be offended if they asked.

I often wondered what I would do if someone asked me straight off now "are you gay" - i sometimes hope i would say "yes" but I know I probably wouldn't - if someone at work asked me INFRONT of other people I would not like that at all and would probably hate them for a long time lol, as it would put me on the spot and being gay is something many people struggle with (myself included obviously) and so doing that infront of others and not caring enough about how I may feel on the topic (especially if I'm a private person) would indicate a flagrant disregard for my feelings on the matter

So for now I think I'm gonna keep the generic non-specific answers going at work but hopefully at my next job (as I do think I need to move on soon) I can be a little more open about myself - who knows I may even have a bf by then! I can dream. Ironically enough the person who would have the biggest problem of knowing I'm gay at work would be me, I guess once you accept yourself everything flows from there, seems like a huge hurdle at the moment but I'm hopeful I will get there...its takin its time though!

Oh and I'm thinking on a big ol gay outing this weekend! A few drinks and see what happens - it's weird that I'm completely myself around gay strangers (and usually a lot happier) but around close friends and family I feel I have to be someone else

Thus the next post may be a memoir of the night out...they are sooo fun sometimes

Tuesday 19 June 2012

Closet socialising

Socialising whilst in the closet

This is something I've increasingly noticed over the years - being all too aware of what I don't speak of with my straight mates

Whenever the topic of girls and relationships comes up, I instantly get a little nervous and go a little quiet - obviously not being out I can't chat about what guy I think is fit or if I've been on the gay scene in the last month - I wonder what they think as I've never really shown much interest in girls - if one of them sat down and thought about it for a while I'm sure they could put the pieces together.

Some of them were talking recently about how long they have been in relationships for, I havn't even been in one! Not even been on a real date either actually with a guy (or a girl ofcourse), informal drink or two with random gays but nothing I would particularly got ready for - I hope that I will be able to date more soon as I think I'd really enjoy it, just got to get out there more and try and talk to guys in gay bars when I'm not drunk - bit sad that I usually have to have a drink somewhere before I go to a gaybar but that's the way it is I guess - at least for now

I have as many girls as close mates as I do guys - my straight mates that it - I have no gay mates but hopefully that will change too as I move to a more urban area soon - going into gay bars by yourself is quite daunting - especially when you're not out, part of me suspects that people can tell I'm not out by quietly drinkin by myself in the corner but thats probably just a bit of paranoia

Some nights when I've discreetly gone out on the gay scene in LDN have been great, met some random people and had fun nights out with them, but some have been awful where I've gotten drunk, been alone and had to get public transport home - an expensive waste of money and a real downer

I don''t go to normal bars or clubs with my straight mates - we're a bunch of old timers really, just pubs and maybe cinema etc every now n then - but really I want to go to electro house clubs and party till the early hours, and to be fair I have a few times by myself, but I'm worried I'm wasting my youth by being too scared to come out and to the things I want to do - just doing them here and there isn't enough anymore



Hmmm, I'm thinking I need to do that again soon actually, been too long, must be months since I last gay clubbed...

Take care readers (if any lol)

GayLadForLife




Saturday 16 June 2012

My First Post

Hey guys (and girls!) - So this is my first blog post, 2012 is going to be a big year for me and I'm doing this blog to help document it and get into this whole blogging thing.

So here's the situation - I'm GAY! No big deal right? Except for me, right now, it kinda is. I'm not out but hopefully will be at some point this year...

I've gone on the gay scenes in Brighton and London every now and then, and had some very random night out and met some very random people! Some stories of which I will no doubt share in the coming months.

Me - I'm mid 20s, relatively fit (although will lose a few pounds in the next few weeks I hope - it is summer right) and think I'm a decent guy - ok this is starting to sound like a profile pitch so I'll cut it short there

Hopefully you will like reading this blog and like what I have to say - and accompany me on this journey that is 2012.

Oh and feel free to message me telling me to write more as I may need some motivation to keep updating this! lol SUBSCRIBE

As I'm feeling summery - check out this cool surfing pic (not of me fyi) - I NEED to try doing this it looks amazing